Night Reprieve. (Except)

I've had this idea for a contemporary roaring through me for months now, but I haven't been writing very much lately. Here's a scene I wrote for it, i'm hoping this makes me want to keep writing. 

There was only one way to make this night better. Even when Ollie and I were dating, I still needed this solace before bed, this time alone where I could just be. My head’s been pounding all day, this hangover threatening to never leave me, and I know I should try to get some sleep because tomorrow at school will be brutal with or without a headache. If I thought it was bad last week, I know this week will be worse. The cat’s out of the bag: Ollie is dating Beth. It’s out there, flashing lights surrounding them. You don’t show up to a party with a girl if you don’t want people to know about you two. It was a statement, one that he knew I would see. It’s not that I thought there was any chance of us getting back together. Heck, I don’t think any part of me even wants to be with him (okay, that’s a lie, there’s a little part of me that misses the crap out of him) but seeing him with Beth has made it brutally clear. He’s over me, he’s moved on, and tomorrow with be the first official day of them as a couple. It’ll be him replacing me and everyone will continue whispering about me. I was hoping that would stop soon, now I know that was only wishful thinking.

I pry my contacts out of my eyes; thankful for the empty feeling it brings me. My house is quiet, everyone asleep and preparing for tomorrow. Cuddling into my favourite sweatshirt, I unhook the lock on my window and push it open. Cool air welcomes me onto my widow’s peak, and I crawl onto the worn wood with glee. Crossing my feet beneath me, I close my eyes and let the wind whip my hair around my face, clearing my mind and reminding me that not everything has to be about school. Jacob constantly reminds me that high school is only four years of my life. He thinks he’s so wise now that he’s in college, but I guess he would know better than me. I’m sure once I’m out of here and in New York, I’ll agree with him, but for now, in this scary moment where I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I can’t imagine a world where people don’t talk behind your back, or betray you, or use your words against you.

When the wind starts to chill me through my clothes, I climb back inside and lock up tight. Shuffling over to my door, I turn off my overhead light and turn on the small bedside light beside my bed. I tuck myself under my blankets, letting my body temperature return to normal and my heartbeat slow down. Grabbing my copy of The Great Gatsby, I forget about the world, school, and especially Ollie and lose myself to other people’s problems. I drown in the book, dive into the pages and forget that I need air to breathe. I don’t come up until I’m ready for dead and my eyes are growing tired. Even as I grow closer to see, I think of Gatsby and what he would do to make all his dreams come true.

A Place In This World

I'm single. It took me a week, but I finally did it. There was no getting past that night at his house. I don't think I'm ready to be in any sort of relationship right now. I have other things to worry about like university and seeing my friends. Time to take a break from boys. Time for me...

Oh. He got over me fast, didn't he? He's already flirting with one of my best friends and she's flirting back. Hopefully nothing will come of it. Yes, I know I don't like him anymore, but I thought there were rules...

And now they're dating. They both asked my permission first (which was nice) but it's still really weird. I can't watch them together, knowing what he asked me to do and how our whole relationship went down. Should I warn her what kind of guy he is? Should I tell her that he's going to stick his tongue so far down her throat that she won't be able to breathe? Maybe it'll be for the best if I just stay out of this one...

So no more boys. Swore to myself that I'd stay away from anyone who batted an eyelash at me for a little bit. But, seriously, they're everyone. I still see (and think) of Terry all the time even though I know I shouldn't. The cutie in my biology class actually talks to me now and that just makes everything about science so much better. There's Mr. Popular who walks to class with me and our two minutes together every other day are so wonderful that they're all I think of. And there's a dance next week and I just keep remembering what happened at the semi where he told me he'd dance with me next time. Here's hoping he keeps good on his word. Oh wait, I'm swearing off boys aren't I?

None of them showed up. Life sucks in boyland right now an that's probably a good thing, but I can't stop thinking about them. It's like everyday I like someone new and I know I should try to be along right now, but time feels like it's running out. Yes, I know I'm 16 and time is surely not running out, but high school seems like such a huge thing and I want it to mean something. It's almost summer and I know things will so different when school ends. What will happen when I come back for grade 11? What does the future hold for me? Will I be willing to put myself back out there? I know I need to get over Kyle and move on. Maybe that's why I'm crushing so hard on so many boys. I just want that night out of my head and I think if I replace it with something else, I'll feel better. He's the only guy I've kissed and most of those kisses aren't good memories for me. What's next for me? How do I move on from the past and let myself be open again?

It's gorgeous outside so my brother and I walk over to Dominion. It's just down the street and we're a little hungry. As we're manoeuvring through the aisles, I spot a cute guy. He's wearing a uniform and stocking shelves and I think my heart skips a beat. Then he turns to us and smiles and I'd have fainted if I didn't want to embarrass myself.

"Bill! What's up?"

He knows my brother. Holy hell, he knows my brother!"

"Hey, Steve, didn't know you worked here. This is my sister, Jen."

"Nice to meet you," he says, extending his hand.

I take it in mine, hoping I'm not sweating. His grip is firm and his smile is bright and how badly I want to kiss him scares me. I let go and they stat talking. I just listen, laugh every once in awhile, all the while growing quickly fond of him. I'm in trouble.

So Steve is a Papa Roach fan and my brother told him we have tickets for the show next week. And. He's. Going. To. Come. With. Us. Which means, I get to spend the whole evening with him and get to know him better. Coby Dick and Steve? Could the night possibly get better than that?

There's no way that night could have been better. We had so much fun. Although, hanging out with three teenage boys can be kind of brutal, especially when they check out every girl they see. Good news is, my brother told me he caught Steve checking me out, so I guess it's not so bad. I got to know him pretty quickly and so far I really like him. Not that it's hard for me to crush on someone, but he seems like a good guy and my mind is totally off of Kyle now. The show was incredible and Steve ended up buying me a poster which I ended up getting signed. He paid a lot of attention to me and I felt, well, beautiful. It was a perfect night and I'm glad I got to spend it with my brother and my new crush.

So we got invited to Steve's party next week. Saying I'm excited is a bit of an understatement.

You're Not Sorry

Kissing is something for the books, isn't it? The idea of it sounds like it could be gross. Lips mashing together, bad breath, tongues jetting out like dogs, but kissing, actually kissing, is in a league of its own.  Lips melt together and become one. You pop a mint and everything is peachy keen. Tongues massage each other, sending waves of pleasure throughout the rest of your body. Kissing is wonderful and magical and something that I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kyle loves to kiss me. We kiss at school, after school, in the mall, on the street, everywhere and anywhere. He can't get enough of my lips. And ya, kissing is fun. But I've only just started and he's acting like we'll die tomorrow. I should be glad someone wants to kiss me. But talking is nice too, isn't it? I still barely know this boy I call a boyfriend. We've only been dating a week, but I always thought relationships were different than this. The plus side to it is that I get to spend a lot more time with Kristin and Jon. The four of us have become a little gang. We do everything together now and I'm glad to have them there so that I'm not always alone with Kyle. I've never been closer to her and it feels good It seems that getting a boyfriend is good for a lot of things.

But kissing is cool, even if I want more talking. I certainly don't have a problem with Kyle's lips or his hands or just about anything else attached to him. So when he asks me over for a movie night with Kristin and Jon at his place, I smile and say yes, eager to feel his lips against mine once more.

Kristin and Jon pick me up at my house and we rollerblade over to Kyle's. Kyle's lips meet mine and I fall into the kiss like his air is the only air left in the world. We put on a movie and the four of us get comfortable on the couch. Before we even get halfway through, Kristin and Jon disappear into Kyle's room, leaving Kyle and me alone. Within minutes, we're kissing. I get lost in his lips and forget that there's even a movie playing. Before long, he's pushing me down on the couch and I close my eyes against his touch. The kissing is nice. I like the kissing. But I need to come up for air. I pull away just as we hear a loud noise  coming from his room. Perfect. We get of the couch to see what happened. Finding his clock broken, he goes in to clean it up. I look at Kristin, silently asking her to come back into the living room. I think I've had enough kissing for the evening. My lips are feeling a little bruised and I really just want to talk. But Kristin either ignores me or doesn't see me because before I know it, Kyle is leading me back to the living room alone. Thankfully that's what we do. We talk. I relax into the couch, glad to be near him but not under him. But when Kristin and Jon decide they're going to the store, we're suddenly alone again.

"Hey, let's go in my room."

"Sure,' I reply because yes, I do like kissing him.

This is my first time on his bed. This is the first time lying on a bed with him. We've been together for a week. We're sixteen and suddenly we're on his bed. His lips are back on mine and his hands are roaming my body, trying to memorize my every inch. His touch feels good and I try to turn off my brain and fall into his touch. Kristin and Jon come home and we get off the bed. I'm glad for the movement, for the company. The bed was too much. But instead of going back to the living room, he takes my hand and leads me down the hall. We end up in what must be his parent's room.

"I want to show you some family pictures."

It's the best thing he could say right now. He closes the door and I sit on the bed while he finds the album. Sitting beside me, I lean close to him as he shows me baby pictures of him. It's the sweetest thing and I can't wait for more moments like this. Getting to know a person is the best part of life. As humans, we get to learn new things every day, get to meet new people all the time. One moment we're strangers, the next we're in love. Life is wonderful like that.

Kyle closes the album and puts it on the floor and suddenly it's just us again. He moves his head close to mine, his hand on my thigh and soon his lips are against mine again and his body is pushing me down onto the bed. I've never kissed this much in my life but I feel high and elated and I just keep going. He moves off of me and pulls off his shirt. A dark trail of hair runs down his stomach and I smile. My friends and I always talk about trails. I let my hands fall over his chest, suddenly feeling grown up and nervous all at once. He trails kisses down my neck and I moan against his touch.

Then he's flipping me over and pushing my head towards his crotch. My body freezes. For a second I don't understand what's happening, but then I realize it all too soon.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a blow job."

We've been dating a week. A week! I barely know this guy and he expects me to pleasure him? I don't even know anything about this. I've never had a boyfriend before and I've certainly never seen a penis before. Tonight is not the night for that, not at all. But I couldn't tell him I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt him.

"Sorry, I'm just really tired. I think it's time to go home."

"Come on, it won't take long."

"I should go," I say, pulling away from the bed and trying to get to the door.

"Jen, it's super easy!"

Tears well up in my eyes and I don't feel comfortable at all. How does something so wonderful suddenly turn into a nightmare? What happened to no meaning no?

I pull open the door before he can ask again. I start towards the living room, but he catches up to me, holding my hand and squeezing it in apology. I find Kristin and we leave. Kyle kisses me goodnight and I try not to show how hurt I am.

He is just a teenage boy. I guess girls my age are supposed to do things like this. I'm sure Kristin does. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should call and apologize. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong. He likes me. We're together. That means something.

Right?

Jump Than Fall.

There's something wrong.

I'm absolutely the worst girlfriend ever. I've waited so long for this and this is what happens? What's wrong with me?

Two nights ago, when Kyle and I were hanging out after school as usual, he tried to kiss me (you know because we're in a relationship) but I pulled away. I don't know why I couldn't kiss him. Maybe I didn't want to? Maybe I was just scared? We have a date this weekend and I'm afraid of what will happen. If he tries to kiss me again, will I back away or will I finally have my first kiss? Isn't this what I want? Isn't this what I've been dreaming of?

This feeling in the pit of my stomach hasn't left. It's been there since we started going out and I'm afraid it will be there forever. I think it's because he hasn't opened up to me as much as I thought a boyfriend would. I tell him everything and I will continue to tell him everything. We need to get to know each other before we can be intimate. I wish he'd tell me his favourite things or how his family life is. I hope for a night where we just talk into the early hours of the morning about everything and nothing and by the end of it feel closer than ever. I've told him how nervous I get around him, how I can't eat when I think of him because i'm scared this will only last a week. Who am I to deserve a boyfriend? If I put my heart out there will he take care of it or will it shatter on the ground? I can't afford to have to break again. And he'd tell me not to be nervous and wrap his arm around me and tell me he could see this relationship going far. Than he'd try to kiss me and all I could do was watch him get closer before finally putting my head down. I'd tell him I couldn't, he'd tell me I could, and now I just feel like the worst girlfriend.

I want this to work, I want to try. I can't kiss him and I know this is a problem. But he keeps trying and I know eventually he will give up trying. He's a teenage boy after all and I know they only want one thing. If I won't kiss him, he'll go somewhere else for it. I'm just not comfortable enough yet and I wish he would realize that. I know I should like him more since we're going out and that all I should want to do is kiss him and be with him, but I don't know. Maybe I'll know this weekend. Is any of this worth it?

The credits roll as we sit side by side on the couch, his hand wrapped tightly around mine. My stomach is full for the first time in days and everything feels better. My hand fits perfectly in his and my heart skips a beat whenever he smiles. He shifts on the leather couch, moving his hand so that it's behind my head. I snuggle closer to him, feeling good that we're alone for the first time since we've started dating.

"Maybe I should be going," I say, feeling the flutter in my stomach.

"Not yet, my parents won't be home til later. Stay a little longer."

"Okay, ya."

He smiles down at me and I feel his hand wrap around my waist. I breathe out a breath I didn't realize I was holding as his face lowers towards mine. This time I don't stop him. This time I don't pull away. I'm ready now. If I don't give my heart out than what's the point if having one? And as our lips touch, I know my heart is going to be his. His lips are gentle against mine and I close my eyes, breathing him in and wanting to keep him inside me.

Slowly he moves me to the armrest of the couch, his hard body cradling me. I let him shift so that his weight is on me and I relish in the fact that his hand caresses my arm as his lips meet mine again. A tingle climbs from my toes to my ears and I never want the feeling to end. But whenever one of us moves, the leather beneath us causes us to slip and before long the mood is ruined and I know it's time to go home.

We say our goodbyes and I leave with a smile. By the time I get home, there's an email from him saying he had a great time and can't wait to see me again. For the first time the flutter in my stomach feels good and I can't wait to see him again, to feel his kiss again. This is what it's supposed to feel like and I'm glad I'm finally there.

Everything Has Changed

Oh my god. My hands are shaking. Butterflies are churning so fast in my stomach that I can't eat or sleep. All I can think about is him. I need to pinch myself every so often to make sure I'm not dreaming. But i'm not. This is real. This is actually happening to me. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up, but that's all I do all the time. I hope this is for real.

There's this one boy that I've noticed around school. I've been wanting to meet him and get to know him because he's cute and seems like just my type. I don't have any classes with him so there hasn't been a way to take that first step, until now. When Kristin met Jon and introduced him to the group, this boy came with them. Turns out they're friends and his name is Kyle. So he started hanging out with us and I got to know him a little better. Yesterday I spent the whole evening with him. I was hanging out with Kristin and I thought Jon wasn't coming but then she mentioned that they were both coming and it made me giddy with excitement. I had the whole night planned out: sit beside him at Kristin's, casually walk beside him and sit beside him at dinner. I was going to make him notice me, but instead he walked beside me and sat beside me. I thought that was the happiest I'd be all night until Jon blurted out:

"And Kyle's only here because he likes Jennifer over here"

My stomach dropped, and it's still there. Do you know how that feels? When someone you've been wanting wants you too? Right now I just feel so beautiful because someone likes me. I haven't been able to sleep since Jon told me. All I can think about was if this is actually going to happen. Part of me still feels like it won't but that's only because of all the heartbreak Terry caused me. I keep wondering if Kyle could take that away, make me feel whole again.

I close my locker the next day at school, my head pounding from my lack of sleep. When I spin around in the hall, I spot him walking towards me. My stomach does a topsy turvy and I squeeze my books against my stomach to try and stop it. He smiles as he reaches me and I give him a huge one back.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well," he throws his hands into his pockets and tries to meet my eyes. "I was just wondering if you, maybe, wanted to be my girlfriend?"

Just like that. He's blushing and I'm blushing and instead of turning into a big pink ballon I say "yes" and he hugs me and suddenly everything is good. If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up.

When I get home from school, we meet up online and start chatting. We talk for hours and plan a date for Saturday night. The whole time we're flirting and everything about it just seems right. 

Him: What do u think u will do when u see me?

Me: jump you, naw jokez, i dunno, u tell me... 

Him: Dang i was hoping u would lol... 

Me: u know u like it... 

Him: I do, so u looking forward to saturday?... 

Me: yup, except it's really far away... 

Him: I know, thats gonna be a loooong work day,its funny today ive done nothing but think of u and its put me 

in the greatest mood

My stomach has been a wreck for days but when he rubs it I feel better. When he holds me in his arms, the feeling goes away. I have a boyfriend. My first boyfriend. Finally there is a boy who liked me back. I'm going to finally have my first kiss.Everything is perfect.

Speak Now.

My plan went a little something like this:

I'd strike up a conversation with Mike at least once a day, or whenever I saw him. That way he'd know I was alive. I mean, he knows I'm alive, but I want him to think of me as more than a friend. So I would talk to him every day and then, when the timing was right, ask him to the semi formal. It was worth a shot right?

In reality, it went a little something like this:

I'd get nervous every time I talked to him. He'd smile and I'd go weak at the knees. I've been crushing on him since January, added him to the list of boys I already liked, and decided he was my best shot at a date. The days went by and I'd miss chance after chance of asking him. I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I'd freeze up the minute I'd decide to ask. My dress was picked out, my tickets were bought, but I couldn't get a date. How long was I going to wait until I could finally make a move? But the day before the dance arrived and it was too late. I hadn't asked him. I'd be going alone. But it was okay, I had my friends and we were determined to have a great time. We were going to be part of the few Grade 10s showing up, so it would be interesting. Some guys were bound to show up without dates right? And I'm sure one would be willing to spare a dance with me...

Valentine's Day. The day where everyone who's in love shows it to the entire world. I wear my red shirt and hope for something to happen even though I know it won't. During class, Dave says that there shouldn't be a special day to show your love. If you love someone, there should be no stopping you from giving them something. It was sweet and made my brain go haywire with thoughts, but I knew he was just making conversation. Maybe he hates Valentine's Day just as much as I do.

Night falls and I strap myself into my killer heels. My pink dress floats above them and my hair is dead straight like I planned. I've always been the type to do the opposite of everyone else. I have curly hair every day, so on special occasions I'd straighten it. We arrive, everyone dressed to the nines. Boys in tuxes and girls in high heels and we're all ready to dance. My shoes come off quickly, but my dress is too long and I keep tripping over it as I dance. So I suck it up and put my shoes back on, knowing my feet will kill tomorrow. Alex and I dance up a storm. We even try to fast dance to a slow song. We laugh and dance, knowing we don't need guys to have a good time.

But when the last slow song of the night comes on, I know I want to dance with a guy. It's my goal at every dance to dance with a guy or at least one song. I somehow feel accomplished if I do this. Looking around, I notice that Mike isn't here but my secret crush is. I make my way over to him and ask him dance, any nerves I've had before gone.

"Sorry, Jen, I was just about to leave. Next time, okay?"

"Ya, it's fine," I reply, smiling.

It is fine. I'll find someone else to dance with. And that's when I spot him, sitting at his table looking lonely and sad, like he wants to dance too. I've always been too nervous to ask him before even though we were really good friends. But this time, I just bite the bullet and ask him.

"Hey, Terry, do you want to dance?"

"Ya, sure."

And just like that I'm dancing with the one guy who's broken my heart. It always works like that doesn't it? Once you've stopped liking someone, that's when you can ask them, but no, not when you're in love with the guy! We dance softly like we've done it before. He doesn't talk about the fact that we haven't talked since the summer, or why we suddenly stopped being friends, but it's okay. We turn in circles and pretend there's something between us. I curl my hands around his neck and breathe him in, enjoying the moment. When the song ends, we part like it's nothing and I go back to my table.

"I'm so proud of you!" my friend Mysha exclaims as I settle in, getting ready to leave.

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself too. Maybe I'll stop holding a grudge and say hi or smile when he does it to me next time.

We leave with our heads spinning and our laughter spilling out into the streets. I go to sleep giddy, ready for Monday so i can see Mike again, ready to talk to Dave again, and hoping to see Danny's boxers again. Maybe next year's semi will be even better.

Breathe.

Grade 10 is off to a good start. I avoid Terry like the plague but I don't miss him too much. There are too many other boys to think about.

Like the cute boy with dreads that sits a few tables away from me in art named Justin. Though my friends and I have taken to calling him PB & J. He wears plaid boxers that you can see when he sits down and it's all I can do not to want to jump him. He's the quiet type, focused on his art more than conversation in class. And he's a good artist, I mean, I wish I was that good. And I wish I could tell him how good he is, but he has this bitchy little girlfriend who gives me stink eye every time she catches me looking at him. I can't blame her, considering I probably undress him with my eyes in front of her.

In math class, I'm stuck with grad 9s because I went and failed it. Math does not need to exist in my life and I can't wait until I never have to deal with it again. But Danny makes math class tolerable. My plan was to just ignore all the niners around me and just pass math. But of course, I don't pay attention to anything the teacher talks about because I'm too busy writing and I'm also too busy looking at Danny. The day he asked me if he could borrow a pencil was the changing point. From that day on, I was hooked. Now, not only do I not pay attention to the teacher, but I also don't write as much because I'm too busy watching Danny. He's a little chubby and he's got curly black hair and whenever he smiles, I melt into my seat. My plan is to have a conversation with him outside of class before Christmas. Yes, I set small goals, but my shyness makes even the hardest difficult to accomplish.

Then, of course, there's Dave. Now Dave is different than the others. He;s in my history class but he failed so he's a year older than me. A grade 11 who I actually get to talk to. He is, as history says, the bee's knees. Like drop dead, resuscitate me and kill me again gorgeous. He's got the big three: Tall, Dark and Handsome. I linger close to him whenever I can and whenever he happens to flash me that smile, my heart speeds up and slows down all at once. And he's funny too. We're doing a project together (yes, I internally squealed) and everything that comes out of his mouth makes me laugh. He talks to me like I'm a normal person and surprisingly I can do the same back. He says hi to me in the halls and always flashes me that smile when he walks into class.

These boys keep me up at night. It's only the beginning of the year and I'm already obsessed with too many of them. I mean, there's more than just these three, like Mike and Matt, but I'll talk about them some other time. For now, I'm going to dream about PB & J's hair, Danny's plaid boxers and Dave's laugh. This will be the year of boys, I can tell. Maybe I'll even get to kiss one of them.