A Perfectly Good Heart.

The summer heat seeps into my bones, burning me from the inside out. I wish I were by the ocean right now so I could just jump in and forget about the sweat clinging my shirt to my back. I sit in front of my computer, the air continuing doing nothing for my sticky legs. My MSN Messenger is open and waiting. He told me after we finished talking yesterday that he would be on again today. I've been sitting in front of the computer for two hours. I try to let it go as I close the window and head to bed. I try to come up with excuses as to why Terry wouldn't be online when he said he'd be. I think of excuses until my brain can't take it anymore and I fall asleep.

The next day goes exactly the same. So I send him an email, asking what's up, and that I want him to come to my birthday party next week. A reply comes a few hours later. He's busy this week, but he'd love to come to my birthday. He says he's sorry.

So I walk on Cloud 9 for the rest of the week as I prepare for my 15th birthday. I'm giddy as I go shopping with my friends and I can't sleep at night as I picture how the party will go. Terry will arrive at my house. I'll be wearing a cute dress and he'll compliment it. He'll spend the rest of my party only paying attention to me and at the end of the night, after everyone's gone home, I'll walk him to the door and he'll lean in and kiss me. He'll wish me happy birthday softly in my ear and leave like a dream until he calls me the next day. And everything will be great.

The day of my party comes quickly. My backyard is decked out in a luau theme and I'm wearing a hawaiian print skirt and tank top. My fingertips are tingling with hope as I watch the clock and countdown the hours until my guests arrive. Soon my friends are all here and we are laughing, dancing, and enjoying the nice weather in my backyard oasis. But my ears are perked on the door. Every time it opens, I look over and hope to see his face. I continue to watch the door, listen for the phone to ring, wait. I wait.

And wait.

The sun disappears behind the clouds. The cake has been served and we are tired from dancing. My eyes are forever trained on the door even as my perfectly good party goes on around me. I say goodbye to my friends with a smile on my face but as I close the door for the last time, I can't help but still wish he'll show up.

The summer burns fast like a comet and I'm glad for it. The nights are too lonely and the days too long. August comes and so does the carnival. My friends and I gather to enjoy a night out of the house. We walk there, the cool lake breeze promising relief from the heat. The lights come into sight and I forget to be sad. We laugh as we walk through the carnival, watching kids spin on rides and boys win stuffed toys for their girls. I link arms with one of my girlfriends and strut down the aisle, ready to flirt with any boy that comes my way.

That's when I see him. He's with a small group and he's not looking at me - yet. As my eyes lock on him, he looks up and sees me. A large smile spreads across his face and he leaves his group and walks right up to me. I release my friend and walk the few steps towards him. After not seeing him for two months, all I want is to feel him against me. I just want to hear his voice.

"Hey, Jen!"

He leans in and hugs me. Hugs. Me. Suddenly everything feels right in the world.

"Sorry I haven't been around this summer. Lots of family stuff going on."

"Oh, it's fine." I smile, glad that he's talking to me. Nothing else seems to matter in the world.

"Hey, well I gotta go, but I'll see you soon okay?"

I watch as he disappears into the crowd. I try not to think how very much like Romeo And Juliet it feels - like I'm seeing him for the last time alive. I try to shake the feeling.

September comes and I walk into tenth grade a new person. This year will be better than last. No glasses, tamed hair and a new start. I'll find Terry in the hall and he'll smile at me like he did at the carnival. This will be the year. I go through the day anticipating our first sighting. By 3 o'clock I realize we have no classes together and I can't find him in the halls. I keep my head high and know that tomorrow is another day.

I go on MSN after dinner and he's online. My heart picks up speed. I message him and he messages me back. He's sorry we didn't see each other. Mentions we don't have any classes together. We talk about Survivor and everything seems normal. But that feeling in my gut is still there and after we say our goodnights, I crawl into bed and know things will never be the same.

I don't know where I went wrong. I see him in the halls still but we don't talk. He pretends I don't exist. My heart breaks when I see him and suddenly nothing is right. I never see him on MSN anymore and there is no more Survivor talk. It's like I never came into his life at all. Grade 10 was supposed to be better. There is only one way to get over a guy though, isn't there?

Get under another.

Fifteen.

I thought it would be easier. High school feels impossible. Everywhere I step, I have to look down in fear of what people will think of me. My glasses are outdated and my curly hair is unmanageable. Good thing I have a great group of friends who believe that I can actually make it through. They even believe that boys will like me. I'm not convinced about the second part.

My friends know most of the boys I like. I usually can't stop talking about them. But some of them I keep to myself, and as I walk to my next class, head down, I think about him. I haven't told anyone I like him because I'm not sure what they'll think. He's cute in his own way and he makes me smile. He's a figure skater and I've been itching for him to invite me to one of his shows. The good thing is - that might actually be possible since I actually talk to him.

He smiles at me from his seat and I smile back, the flutter slowly curling through my stomach. I slide into my chair and throw my backpack down beside me. My stolen moments with Terry are about to begin.

"Did you watch Survivor last night?" I ask as I pull out my binder.

"Of Course!" Terry replies, leaning towards me in his chair. "I can't believe they kicked off Colleen! She was so cute!"

I cringe, but keep the thought of Terry liking what someone else looks like in my head. "Ya, she was my favourite."

"I actually though she had a chance at winning. Maybe Kelly will win."

"Rudy's pretty tough."

"This is true." He smiles as the teacher comes in. He flashes a sly grin as he turns to the front of the class and I know it's something. It has to be something.

Class goes by too quickly and I don't get another chance to talk to him. But it's okay because he walks me out and we continue to chat. We talk about Survivor endlessly. It's our connection. We joke and laugh and I feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can tell him anything except for how I feel about him. My friends don't know I like him and I like it that way. It's my secret. He's all mine.

"Hey, I have practice on Saturday, want to come along? You haven't seen me skate yet."

Did I imagine that?

"Umm, ya, I'd love to."

"Awesome, my dad and I will come pick you up. He'll just drop us off, but it sure beats the bus. Give me your address."

This has to be a dream. I scribble my address on a scrap piece of paper and hand it to him. Our hands touch for a second and I swear I feel electricity zoom through them. Our eyes meet and we share a smile.

"See you then."

I'm frozen to the tiles as he walks away. He's small like me, thin and long. His dark skin compliments my porcelain and all I want to do is hold his hand and walk down the hall together. He invited me to watch him skate. That has to mean something right?


Saturday come and goes. The day was perfect. We laughed and smiled and I watched him skate. I was the only person he invited and when he introduced me to his partner, she smiled like she knew me - like he'd talked about me.

I convince my mom to get me contacts. It is the best day of my life. Suddenly I feel more confident, prettier. I can't wait to show up at school and actually get noticed. It makes a big difference in my walk and my smile and everything else about me. I know Terry will like it.

"Wow, Jen, you got rid of you glasses!" He exclaims as he meets me at my locker.

"Ya, it's about time."

"Looks good."

He passes by me like what he said didn't just make me melt. He actually notices me. I am part of his life and he thinks about me when he sees me. It's not like before with any of those other guys. I was just another person in the world to them. I know, I just know, that I'm more than that with Terry. This could be it. This could be my first real love. Maybe fifteen won't be so bad.

The Story Of Us.

So I've decided to challenge myself. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm having a rough time trying to finish my novel, but it's also something I've wanted to do for a while. It's going to be a story about my love life. From my first crush (if I can remember his name) to my fiance. It'll be an emotional journey. I'll have to face boys that I haven't thought about in a long time. But I think it'll be worth it. Each boy showed me something and has made me a part of who I am today. It may be a good thing or a bad thing and I may hate most of them, but they are forever a part of my life.

I'm excited for this journey. Let's see where it takes me.