I adjust the white satin top I'm wearing, my palms sweaty as I try to stay calm. Two years at this school and now it's coming to an end. The gym is stuffy and bodies are everywhere. My fingers twist knots in my pink skirt and I try to remember that I look decent. I maybe, sort of look pretty. I focus on that as I make my way across the dance floor. A '90s hit is pounding through the speakers but I can barely hear it my heart is pumping so loud. I spot him on the sidelines, laughing with his friends. I've liked him all year and it actually seems like it could be something. Not like with Eric, where I watched him from afar and hoped he'd talk to me. No, Tyler actually does talk to me on a regular basis. We are friends, real friends, and I want more. I've wanted more since he first talked to me. Now I'm going to get more.
He smiles as soon as he sees me and my heart squeals.
"Hey, Jen."
"Hey. I was, um, wondering, if you wanted to dance?" I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart.
The three second gap between words kills me.
"Well, I promised someone else first, but I'll find you after, cool?" he replies, calmly, like I didn't just risk my life speaking my question out loud.
"Sure, ya."
I try a smile and walk away, my palms a mess and my legs wobbling as I walk. But he said yes. Yes. One of my dreams may actually come true tonight.
I find my friends and spend a minute being giddy over the conversation I just had. A slow song comes on and I turn to see Tyler dancing with the other girl. I can't watch it. I go to the bathroom and fix my hair, pretending everything is okay. It's not like we're dating. It's not like he can't dance with anyone else. He's going to dance with me, I keep reminding myself, this will all work out.
When the song ends, I merge back into the crowd and get lost in the music. My friends and I laugh as we dance, not caring what anyone else thinks. The music fills me up and holds me there. It captures me and I decide I never want it to let me go. When the song ends, another slow one comes on and I'm jolted back to reality. It's time.
I search the gym for Tyler, waiting to see his face in the crowd as he walks toward me. That's how it would happen in the movies, right? I can't find him. I walk around the gym three times as the song continues to play. It'll be over before I find him. No, I have to dance with him. I feel the tears press against my skull, threatening to release. I'll find him soon, I know I will. Maybe he's just in the bathroom and he'll come out and find me and everything will be okay. We'll dance this last dance before we part ways and go to high school. It will mean something to both of us and things will change.
The first verse is over and I know it's too late. I need to find someone else to dance with. I'm not going to let this last song of middle school go to watse. I track down another guy that I've sort of had my eye on and ask him to dance before I can scare myself into not. He says yes and we walk out to the dance floor together. He puts his hands around my waste awkwardly since we don't know each other very well. I lean my head on his shoulder and we start to move to the music.
"All My Life" by Boyz 2 Men - the first song I ever slow dance with a guy too. But it's not the guy I wanted. It's meaningless. I hold on tighter and he pulls me in. He probably thinks I really like him, that I asked him to dance because he's the one I picked. I don't tell him otherwise, I just dance. I squeeze my eyes shut so I won't cry and I feel my body shake from the thoughts. He holds on to me to keep me safe, pulls tighter to keep me from shaking. I want to thank him for it, for making me feel loved when all I feel is alone.
Tyler finds me after the dance and apologizes for not being there. Something came up. I know he just forgot. I know he said he'd dance with me but never really planned too. I shake it off and go home, hoping, praying, that high school will be better in the boy department.
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