Jump Than Fall.

There's something wrong.

I'm absolutely the worst girlfriend ever. I've waited so long for this and this is what happens? What's wrong with me?

Two nights ago, when Kyle and I were hanging out after school as usual, he tried to kiss me (you know because we're in a relationship) but I pulled away. I don't know why I couldn't kiss him. Maybe I didn't want to? Maybe I was just scared? We have a date this weekend and I'm afraid of what will happen. If he tries to kiss me again, will I back away or will I finally have my first kiss? Isn't this what I want? Isn't this what I've been dreaming of?

This feeling in the pit of my stomach hasn't left. It's been there since we started going out and I'm afraid it will be there forever. I think it's because he hasn't opened up to me as much as I thought a boyfriend would. I tell him everything and I will continue to tell him everything. We need to get to know each other before we can be intimate. I wish he'd tell me his favourite things or how his family life is. I hope for a night where we just talk into the early hours of the morning about everything and nothing and by the end of it feel closer than ever. I've told him how nervous I get around him, how I can't eat when I think of him because i'm scared this will only last a week. Who am I to deserve a boyfriend? If I put my heart out there will he take care of it or will it shatter on the ground? I can't afford to have to break again. And he'd tell me not to be nervous and wrap his arm around me and tell me he could see this relationship going far. Than he'd try to kiss me and all I could do was watch him get closer before finally putting my head down. I'd tell him I couldn't, he'd tell me I could, and now I just feel like the worst girlfriend.

I want this to work, I want to try. I can't kiss him and I know this is a problem. But he keeps trying and I know eventually he will give up trying. He's a teenage boy after all and I know they only want one thing. If I won't kiss him, he'll go somewhere else for it. I'm just not comfortable enough yet and I wish he would realize that. I know I should like him more since we're going out and that all I should want to do is kiss him and be with him, but I don't know. Maybe I'll know this weekend. Is any of this worth it?

The credits roll as we sit side by side on the couch, his hand wrapped tightly around mine. My stomach is full for the first time in days and everything feels better. My hand fits perfectly in his and my heart skips a beat whenever he smiles. He shifts on the leather couch, moving his hand so that it's behind my head. I snuggle closer to him, feeling good that we're alone for the first time since we've started dating.

"Maybe I should be going," I say, feeling the flutter in my stomach.

"Not yet, my parents won't be home til later. Stay a little longer."

"Okay, ya."

He smiles down at me and I feel his hand wrap around my waist. I breathe out a breath I didn't realize I was holding as his face lowers towards mine. This time I don't stop him. This time I don't pull away. I'm ready now. If I don't give my heart out than what's the point if having one? And as our lips touch, I know my heart is going to be his. His lips are gentle against mine and I close my eyes, breathing him in and wanting to keep him inside me.

Slowly he moves me to the armrest of the couch, his hard body cradling me. I let him shift so that his weight is on me and I relish in the fact that his hand caresses my arm as his lips meet mine again. A tingle climbs from my toes to my ears and I never want the feeling to end. But whenever one of us moves, the leather beneath us causes us to slip and before long the mood is ruined and I know it's time to go home.

We say our goodbyes and I leave with a smile. By the time I get home, there's an email from him saying he had a great time and can't wait to see me again. For the first time the flutter in my stomach feels good and I can't wait to see him again, to feel his kiss again. This is what it's supposed to feel like and I'm glad I'm finally there.

Everything Has Changed

Oh my god. My hands are shaking. Butterflies are churning so fast in my stomach that I can't eat or sleep. All I can think about is him. I need to pinch myself every so often to make sure I'm not dreaming. But i'm not. This is real. This is actually happening to me. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up, but that's all I do all the time. I hope this is for real.

There's this one boy that I've noticed around school. I've been wanting to meet him and get to know him because he's cute and seems like just my type. I don't have any classes with him so there hasn't been a way to take that first step, until now. When Kristin met Jon and introduced him to the group, this boy came with them. Turns out they're friends and his name is Kyle. So he started hanging out with us and I got to know him a little better. Yesterday I spent the whole evening with him. I was hanging out with Kristin and I thought Jon wasn't coming but then she mentioned that they were both coming and it made me giddy with excitement. I had the whole night planned out: sit beside him at Kristin's, casually walk beside him and sit beside him at dinner. I was going to make him notice me, but instead he walked beside me and sat beside me. I thought that was the happiest I'd be all night until Jon blurted out:

"And Kyle's only here because he likes Jennifer over here"

My stomach dropped, and it's still there. Do you know how that feels? When someone you've been wanting wants you too? Right now I just feel so beautiful because someone likes me. I haven't been able to sleep since Jon told me. All I can think about was if this is actually going to happen. Part of me still feels like it won't but that's only because of all the heartbreak Terry caused me. I keep wondering if Kyle could take that away, make me feel whole again.

I close my locker the next day at school, my head pounding from my lack of sleep. When I spin around in the hall, I spot him walking towards me. My stomach does a topsy turvy and I squeeze my books against my stomach to try and stop it. He smiles as he reaches me and I give him a huge one back.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well," he throws his hands into his pockets and tries to meet my eyes. "I was just wondering if you, maybe, wanted to be my girlfriend?"

Just like that. He's blushing and I'm blushing and instead of turning into a big pink ballon I say "yes" and he hugs me and suddenly everything is good. If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up.

When I get home from school, we meet up online and start chatting. We talk for hours and plan a date for Saturday night. The whole time we're flirting and everything about it just seems right. 

Him: What do u think u will do when u see me?

Me: jump you, naw jokez, i dunno, u tell me... 

Him: Dang i was hoping u would lol... 

Me: u know u like it... 

Him: I do, so u looking forward to saturday?... 

Me: yup, except it's really far away... 

Him: I know, thats gonna be a loooong work day,its funny today ive done nothing but think of u and its put me 

in the greatest mood

My stomach has been a wreck for days but when he rubs it I feel better. When he holds me in his arms, the feeling goes away. I have a boyfriend. My first boyfriend. Finally there is a boy who liked me back. I'm going to finally have my first kiss.Everything is perfect.