Jump Than Fall.

There's something wrong.

I'm absolutely the worst girlfriend ever. I've waited so long for this and this is what happens? What's wrong with me?

Two nights ago, when Kyle and I were hanging out after school as usual, he tried to kiss me (you know because we're in a relationship) but I pulled away. I don't know why I couldn't kiss him. Maybe I didn't want to? Maybe I was just scared? We have a date this weekend and I'm afraid of what will happen. If he tries to kiss me again, will I back away or will I finally have my first kiss? Isn't this what I want? Isn't this what I've been dreaming of?

This feeling in the pit of my stomach hasn't left. It's been there since we started going out and I'm afraid it will be there forever. I think it's because he hasn't opened up to me as much as I thought a boyfriend would. I tell him everything and I will continue to tell him everything. We need to get to know each other before we can be intimate. I wish he'd tell me his favourite things or how his family life is. I hope for a night where we just talk into the early hours of the morning about everything and nothing and by the end of it feel closer than ever. I've told him how nervous I get around him, how I can't eat when I think of him because i'm scared this will only last a week. Who am I to deserve a boyfriend? If I put my heart out there will he take care of it or will it shatter on the ground? I can't afford to have to break again. And he'd tell me not to be nervous and wrap his arm around me and tell me he could see this relationship going far. Than he'd try to kiss me and all I could do was watch him get closer before finally putting my head down. I'd tell him I couldn't, he'd tell me I could, and now I just feel like the worst girlfriend.

I want this to work, I want to try. I can't kiss him and I know this is a problem. But he keeps trying and I know eventually he will give up trying. He's a teenage boy after all and I know they only want one thing. If I won't kiss him, he'll go somewhere else for it. I'm just not comfortable enough yet and I wish he would realize that. I know I should like him more since we're going out and that all I should want to do is kiss him and be with him, but I don't know. Maybe I'll know this weekend. Is any of this worth it?

The credits roll as we sit side by side on the couch, his hand wrapped tightly around mine. My stomach is full for the first time in days and everything feels better. My hand fits perfectly in his and my heart skips a beat whenever he smiles. He shifts on the leather couch, moving his hand so that it's behind my head. I snuggle closer to him, feeling good that we're alone for the first time since we've started dating.

"Maybe I should be going," I say, feeling the flutter in my stomach.

"Not yet, my parents won't be home til later. Stay a little longer."

"Okay, ya."

He smiles down at me and I feel his hand wrap around my waist. I breathe out a breath I didn't realize I was holding as his face lowers towards mine. This time I don't stop him. This time I don't pull away. I'm ready now. If I don't give my heart out than what's the point if having one? And as our lips touch, I know my heart is going to be his. His lips are gentle against mine and I close my eyes, breathing him in and wanting to keep him inside me.

Slowly he moves me to the armrest of the couch, his hard body cradling me. I let him shift so that his weight is on me and I relish in the fact that his hand caresses my arm as his lips meet mine again. A tingle climbs from my toes to my ears and I never want the feeling to end. But whenever one of us moves, the leather beneath us causes us to slip and before long the mood is ruined and I know it's time to go home.

We say our goodbyes and I leave with a smile. By the time I get home, there's an email from him saying he had a great time and can't wait to see me again. For the first time the flutter in my stomach feels good and I can't wait to see him again, to feel his kiss again. This is what it's supposed to feel like and I'm glad I'm finally there.