A Place In This World

I'm single. It took me a week, but I finally did it. There was no getting past that night at his house. I don't think I'm ready to be in any sort of relationship right now. I have other things to worry about like university and seeing my friends. Time to take a break from boys. Time for me...

Oh. He got over me fast, didn't he? He's already flirting with one of my best friends and she's flirting back. Hopefully nothing will come of it. Yes, I know I don't like him anymore, but I thought there were rules...

And now they're dating. They both asked my permission first (which was nice) but it's still really weird. I can't watch them together, knowing what he asked me to do and how our whole relationship went down. Should I warn her what kind of guy he is? Should I tell her that he's going to stick his tongue so far down her throat that she won't be able to breathe? Maybe it'll be for the best if I just stay out of this one...

So no more boys. Swore to myself that I'd stay away from anyone who batted an eyelash at me for a little bit. But, seriously, they're everyone. I still see (and think) of Terry all the time even though I know I shouldn't. The cutie in my biology class actually talks to me now and that just makes everything about science so much better. There's Mr. Popular who walks to class with me and our two minutes together every other day are so wonderful that they're all I think of. And there's a dance next week and I just keep remembering what happened at the semi where he told me he'd dance with me next time. Here's hoping he keeps good on his word. Oh wait, I'm swearing off boys aren't I?

None of them showed up. Life sucks in boyland right now an that's probably a good thing, but I can't stop thinking about them. It's like everyday I like someone new and I know I should try to be along right now, but time feels like it's running out. Yes, I know I'm 16 and time is surely not running out, but high school seems like such a huge thing and I want it to mean something. It's almost summer and I know things will so different when school ends. What will happen when I come back for grade 11? What does the future hold for me? Will I be willing to put myself back out there? I know I need to get over Kyle and move on. Maybe that's why I'm crushing so hard on so many boys. I just want that night out of my head and I think if I replace it with something else, I'll feel better. He's the only guy I've kissed and most of those kisses aren't good memories for me. What's next for me? How do I move on from the past and let myself be open again?

It's gorgeous outside so my brother and I walk over to Dominion. It's just down the street and we're a little hungry. As we're manoeuvring through the aisles, I spot a cute guy. He's wearing a uniform and stocking shelves and I think my heart skips a beat. Then he turns to us and smiles and I'd have fainted if I didn't want to embarrass myself.

"Bill! What's up?"

He knows my brother. Holy hell, he knows my brother!"

"Hey, Steve, didn't know you worked here. This is my sister, Jen."

"Nice to meet you," he says, extending his hand.

I take it in mine, hoping I'm not sweating. His grip is firm and his smile is bright and how badly I want to kiss him scares me. I let go and they stat talking. I just listen, laugh every once in awhile, all the while growing quickly fond of him. I'm in trouble.

So Steve is a Papa Roach fan and my brother told him we have tickets for the show next week. And. He's. Going. To. Come. With. Us. Which means, I get to spend the whole evening with him and get to know him better. Coby Dick and Steve? Could the night possibly get better than that?

There's no way that night could have been better. We had so much fun. Although, hanging out with three teenage boys can be kind of brutal, especially when they check out every girl they see. Good news is, my brother told me he caught Steve checking me out, so I guess it's not so bad. I got to know him pretty quickly and so far I really like him. Not that it's hard for me to crush on someone, but he seems like a good guy and my mind is totally off of Kyle now. The show was incredible and Steve ended up buying me a poster which I ended up getting signed. He paid a lot of attention to me and I felt, well, beautiful. It was a perfect night and I'm glad I got to spend it with my brother and my new crush.

So we got invited to Steve's party next week. Saying I'm excited is a bit of an understatement.

You're Not Sorry

Kissing is something for the books, isn't it? The idea of it sounds like it could be gross. Lips mashing together, bad breath, tongues jetting out like dogs, but kissing, actually kissing, is in a league of its own.  Lips melt together and become one. You pop a mint and everything is peachy keen. Tongues massage each other, sending waves of pleasure throughout the rest of your body. Kissing is wonderful and magical and something that I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kyle loves to kiss me. We kiss at school, after school, in the mall, on the street, everywhere and anywhere. He can't get enough of my lips. And ya, kissing is fun. But I've only just started and he's acting like we'll die tomorrow. I should be glad someone wants to kiss me. But talking is nice too, isn't it? I still barely know this boy I call a boyfriend. We've only been dating a week, but I always thought relationships were different than this. The plus side to it is that I get to spend a lot more time with Kristin and Jon. The four of us have become a little gang. We do everything together now and I'm glad to have them there so that I'm not always alone with Kyle. I've never been closer to her and it feels good It seems that getting a boyfriend is good for a lot of things.

But kissing is cool, even if I want more talking. I certainly don't have a problem with Kyle's lips or his hands or just about anything else attached to him. So when he asks me over for a movie night with Kristin and Jon at his place, I smile and say yes, eager to feel his lips against mine once more.

Kristin and Jon pick me up at my house and we rollerblade over to Kyle's. Kyle's lips meet mine and I fall into the kiss like his air is the only air left in the world. We put on a movie and the four of us get comfortable on the couch. Before we even get halfway through, Kristin and Jon disappear into Kyle's room, leaving Kyle and me alone. Within minutes, we're kissing. I get lost in his lips and forget that there's even a movie playing. Before long, he's pushing me down on the couch and I close my eyes against his touch. The kissing is nice. I like the kissing. But I need to come up for air. I pull away just as we hear a loud noise  coming from his room. Perfect. We get of the couch to see what happened. Finding his clock broken, he goes in to clean it up. I look at Kristin, silently asking her to come back into the living room. I think I've had enough kissing for the evening. My lips are feeling a little bruised and I really just want to talk. But Kristin either ignores me or doesn't see me because before I know it, Kyle is leading me back to the living room alone. Thankfully that's what we do. We talk. I relax into the couch, glad to be near him but not under him. But when Kristin and Jon decide they're going to the store, we're suddenly alone again.

"Hey, let's go in my room."

"Sure,' I reply because yes, I do like kissing him.

This is my first time on his bed. This is the first time lying on a bed with him. We've been together for a week. We're sixteen and suddenly we're on his bed. His lips are back on mine and his hands are roaming my body, trying to memorize my every inch. His touch feels good and I try to turn off my brain and fall into his touch. Kristin and Jon come home and we get off the bed. I'm glad for the movement, for the company. The bed was too much. But instead of going back to the living room, he takes my hand and leads me down the hall. We end up in what must be his parent's room.

"I want to show you some family pictures."

It's the best thing he could say right now. He closes the door and I sit on the bed while he finds the album. Sitting beside me, I lean close to him as he shows me baby pictures of him. It's the sweetest thing and I can't wait for more moments like this. Getting to know a person is the best part of life. As humans, we get to learn new things every day, get to meet new people all the time. One moment we're strangers, the next we're in love. Life is wonderful like that.

Kyle closes the album and puts it on the floor and suddenly it's just us again. He moves his head close to mine, his hand on my thigh and soon his lips are against mine again and his body is pushing me down onto the bed. I've never kissed this much in my life but I feel high and elated and I just keep going. He moves off of me and pulls off his shirt. A dark trail of hair runs down his stomach and I smile. My friends and I always talk about trails. I let my hands fall over his chest, suddenly feeling grown up and nervous all at once. He trails kisses down my neck and I moan against his touch.

Then he's flipping me over and pushing my head towards his crotch. My body freezes. For a second I don't understand what's happening, but then I realize it all too soon.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a blow job."

We've been dating a week. A week! I barely know this guy and he expects me to pleasure him? I don't even know anything about this. I've never had a boyfriend before and I've certainly never seen a penis before. Tonight is not the night for that, not at all. But I couldn't tell him I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt him.

"Sorry, I'm just really tired. I think it's time to go home."

"Come on, it won't take long."

"I should go," I say, pulling away from the bed and trying to get to the door.

"Jen, it's super easy!"

Tears well up in my eyes and I don't feel comfortable at all. How does something so wonderful suddenly turn into a nightmare? What happened to no meaning no?

I pull open the door before he can ask again. I start towards the living room, but he catches up to me, holding my hand and squeezing it in apology. I find Kristin and we leave. Kyle kisses me goodnight and I try not to show how hurt I am.

He is just a teenage boy. I guess girls my age are supposed to do things like this. I'm sure Kristin does. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should call and apologize. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong. He likes me. We're together. That means something.

Right?