You're Not Sorry

Kissing is something for the books, isn't it? The idea of it sounds like it could be gross. Lips mashing together, bad breath, tongues jetting out like dogs, but kissing, actually kissing, is in a league of its own.  Lips melt together and become one. You pop a mint and everything is peachy keen. Tongues massage each other, sending waves of pleasure throughout the rest of your body. Kissing is wonderful and magical and something that I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kyle loves to kiss me. We kiss at school, after school, in the mall, on the street, everywhere and anywhere. He can't get enough of my lips. And ya, kissing is fun. But I've only just started and he's acting like we'll die tomorrow. I should be glad someone wants to kiss me. But talking is nice too, isn't it? I still barely know this boy I call a boyfriend. We've only been dating a week, but I always thought relationships were different than this. The plus side to it is that I get to spend a lot more time with Kristin and Jon. The four of us have become a little gang. We do everything together now and I'm glad to have them there so that I'm not always alone with Kyle. I've never been closer to her and it feels good It seems that getting a boyfriend is good for a lot of things.

But kissing is cool, even if I want more talking. I certainly don't have a problem with Kyle's lips or his hands or just about anything else attached to him. So when he asks me over for a movie night with Kristin and Jon at his place, I smile and say yes, eager to feel his lips against mine once more.

Kristin and Jon pick me up at my house and we rollerblade over to Kyle's. Kyle's lips meet mine and I fall into the kiss like his air is the only air left in the world. We put on a movie and the four of us get comfortable on the couch. Before we even get halfway through, Kristin and Jon disappear into Kyle's room, leaving Kyle and me alone. Within minutes, we're kissing. I get lost in his lips and forget that there's even a movie playing. Before long, he's pushing me down on the couch and I close my eyes against his touch. The kissing is nice. I like the kissing. But I need to come up for air. I pull away just as we hear a loud noise  coming from his room. Perfect. We get of the couch to see what happened. Finding his clock broken, he goes in to clean it up. I look at Kristin, silently asking her to come back into the living room. I think I've had enough kissing for the evening. My lips are feeling a little bruised and I really just want to talk. But Kristin either ignores me or doesn't see me because before I know it, Kyle is leading me back to the living room alone. Thankfully that's what we do. We talk. I relax into the couch, glad to be near him but not under him. But when Kristin and Jon decide they're going to the store, we're suddenly alone again.

"Hey, let's go in my room."

"Sure,' I reply because yes, I do like kissing him.

This is my first time on his bed. This is the first time lying on a bed with him. We've been together for a week. We're sixteen and suddenly we're on his bed. His lips are back on mine and his hands are roaming my body, trying to memorize my every inch. His touch feels good and I try to turn off my brain and fall into his touch. Kristin and Jon come home and we get off the bed. I'm glad for the movement, for the company. The bed was too much. But instead of going back to the living room, he takes my hand and leads me down the hall. We end up in what must be his parent's room.

"I want to show you some family pictures."

It's the best thing he could say right now. He closes the door and I sit on the bed while he finds the album. Sitting beside me, I lean close to him as he shows me baby pictures of him. It's the sweetest thing and I can't wait for more moments like this. Getting to know a person is the best part of life. As humans, we get to learn new things every day, get to meet new people all the time. One moment we're strangers, the next we're in love. Life is wonderful like that.

Kyle closes the album and puts it on the floor and suddenly it's just us again. He moves his head close to mine, his hand on my thigh and soon his lips are against mine again and his body is pushing me down onto the bed. I've never kissed this much in my life but I feel high and elated and I just keep going. He moves off of me and pulls off his shirt. A dark trail of hair runs down his stomach and I smile. My friends and I always talk about trails. I let my hands fall over his chest, suddenly feeling grown up and nervous all at once. He trails kisses down my neck and I moan against his touch.

Then he's flipping me over and pushing my head towards his crotch. My body freezes. For a second I don't understand what's happening, but then I realize it all too soon.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a blow job."

We've been dating a week. A week! I barely know this guy and he expects me to pleasure him? I don't even know anything about this. I've never had a boyfriend before and I've certainly never seen a penis before. Tonight is not the night for that, not at all. But I couldn't tell him I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt him.

"Sorry, I'm just really tired. I think it's time to go home."

"Come on, it won't take long."

"I should go," I say, pulling away from the bed and trying to get to the door.

"Jen, it's super easy!"

Tears well up in my eyes and I don't feel comfortable at all. How does something so wonderful suddenly turn into a nightmare? What happened to no meaning no?

I pull open the door before he can ask again. I start towards the living room, but he catches up to me, holding my hand and squeezing it in apology. I find Kristin and we leave. Kyle kisses me goodnight and I try not to show how hurt I am.

He is just a teenage boy. I guess girls my age are supposed to do things like this. I'm sure Kristin does. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should call and apologize. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong. He likes me. We're together. That means something.

Right?

Everything Has Changed

Oh my god. My hands are shaking. Butterflies are churning so fast in my stomach that I can't eat or sleep. All I can think about is him. I need to pinch myself every so often to make sure I'm not dreaming. But i'm not. This is real. This is actually happening to me. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up, but that's all I do all the time. I hope this is for real.

There's this one boy that I've noticed around school. I've been wanting to meet him and get to know him because he's cute and seems like just my type. I don't have any classes with him so there hasn't been a way to take that first step, until now. When Kristin met Jon and introduced him to the group, this boy came with them. Turns out they're friends and his name is Kyle. So he started hanging out with us and I got to know him a little better. Yesterday I spent the whole evening with him. I was hanging out with Kristin and I thought Jon wasn't coming but then she mentioned that they were both coming and it made me giddy with excitement. I had the whole night planned out: sit beside him at Kristin's, casually walk beside him and sit beside him at dinner. I was going to make him notice me, but instead he walked beside me and sat beside me. I thought that was the happiest I'd be all night until Jon blurted out:

"And Kyle's only here because he likes Jennifer over here"

My stomach dropped, and it's still there. Do you know how that feels? When someone you've been wanting wants you too? Right now I just feel so beautiful because someone likes me. I haven't been able to sleep since Jon told me. All I can think about was if this is actually going to happen. Part of me still feels like it won't but that's only because of all the heartbreak Terry caused me. I keep wondering if Kyle could take that away, make me feel whole again.

I close my locker the next day at school, my head pounding from my lack of sleep. When I spin around in the hall, I spot him walking towards me. My stomach does a topsy turvy and I squeeze my books against my stomach to try and stop it. He smiles as he reaches me and I give him a huge one back.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well," he throws his hands into his pockets and tries to meet my eyes. "I was just wondering if you, maybe, wanted to be my girlfriend?"

Just like that. He's blushing and I'm blushing and instead of turning into a big pink ballon I say "yes" and he hugs me and suddenly everything is good. If I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up.

When I get home from school, we meet up online and start chatting. We talk for hours and plan a date for Saturday night. The whole time we're flirting and everything about it just seems right. 

Him: What do u think u will do when u see me?

Me: jump you, naw jokez, i dunno, u tell me... 

Him: Dang i was hoping u would lol... 

Me: u know u like it... 

Him: I do, so u looking forward to saturday?... 

Me: yup, except it's really far away... 

Him: I know, thats gonna be a loooong work day,its funny today ive done nothing but think of u and its put me 

in the greatest mood

My stomach has been a wreck for days but when he rubs it I feel better. When he holds me in his arms, the feeling goes away. I have a boyfriend. My first boyfriend. Finally there is a boy who liked me back. I'm going to finally have my first kiss.Everything is perfect.

Speak Now.

My plan went a little something like this:

I'd strike up a conversation with Mike at least once a day, or whenever I saw him. That way he'd know I was alive. I mean, he knows I'm alive, but I want him to think of me as more than a friend. So I would talk to him every day and then, when the timing was right, ask him to the semi formal. It was worth a shot right?

In reality, it went a little something like this:

I'd get nervous every time I talked to him. He'd smile and I'd go weak at the knees. I've been crushing on him since January, added him to the list of boys I already liked, and decided he was my best shot at a date. The days went by and I'd miss chance after chance of asking him. I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I'd freeze up the minute I'd decide to ask. My dress was picked out, my tickets were bought, but I couldn't get a date. How long was I going to wait until I could finally make a move? But the day before the dance arrived and it was too late. I hadn't asked him. I'd be going alone. But it was okay, I had my friends and we were determined to have a great time. We were going to be part of the few Grade 10s showing up, so it would be interesting. Some guys were bound to show up without dates right? And I'm sure one would be willing to spare a dance with me...

Valentine's Day. The day where everyone who's in love shows it to the entire world. I wear my red shirt and hope for something to happen even though I know it won't. During class, Dave says that there shouldn't be a special day to show your love. If you love someone, there should be no stopping you from giving them something. It was sweet and made my brain go haywire with thoughts, but I knew he was just making conversation. Maybe he hates Valentine's Day just as much as I do.

Night falls and I strap myself into my killer heels. My pink dress floats above them and my hair is dead straight like I planned. I've always been the type to do the opposite of everyone else. I have curly hair every day, so on special occasions I'd straighten it. We arrive, everyone dressed to the nines. Boys in tuxes and girls in high heels and we're all ready to dance. My shoes come off quickly, but my dress is too long and I keep tripping over it as I dance. So I suck it up and put my shoes back on, knowing my feet will kill tomorrow. Alex and I dance up a storm. We even try to fast dance to a slow song. We laugh and dance, knowing we don't need guys to have a good time.

But when the last slow song of the night comes on, I know I want to dance with a guy. It's my goal at every dance to dance with a guy or at least one song. I somehow feel accomplished if I do this. Looking around, I notice that Mike isn't here but my secret crush is. I make my way over to him and ask him dance, any nerves I've had before gone.

"Sorry, Jen, I was just about to leave. Next time, okay?"

"Ya, it's fine," I reply, smiling.

It is fine. I'll find someone else to dance with. And that's when I spot him, sitting at his table looking lonely and sad, like he wants to dance too. I've always been too nervous to ask him before even though we were really good friends. But this time, I just bite the bullet and ask him.

"Hey, Terry, do you want to dance?"

"Ya, sure."

And just like that I'm dancing with the one guy who's broken my heart. It always works like that doesn't it? Once you've stopped liking someone, that's when you can ask them, but no, not when you're in love with the guy! We dance softly like we've done it before. He doesn't talk about the fact that we haven't talked since the summer, or why we suddenly stopped being friends, but it's okay. We turn in circles and pretend there's something between us. I curl my hands around his neck and breathe him in, enjoying the moment. When the song ends, we part like it's nothing and I go back to my table.

"I'm so proud of you!" my friend Mysha exclaims as I settle in, getting ready to leave.

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself too. Maybe I'll stop holding a grudge and say hi or smile when he does it to me next time.

We leave with our heads spinning and our laughter spilling out into the streets. I go to sleep giddy, ready for Monday so i can see Mike again, ready to talk to Dave again, and hoping to see Danny's boxers again. Maybe next year's semi will be even better.

Breathe.

Grade 10 is off to a good start. I avoid Terry like the plague but I don't miss him too much. There are too many other boys to think about.

Like the cute boy with dreads that sits a few tables away from me in art named Justin. Though my friends and I have taken to calling him PB & J. He wears plaid boxers that you can see when he sits down and it's all I can do not to want to jump him. He's the quiet type, focused on his art more than conversation in class. And he's a good artist, I mean, I wish I was that good. And I wish I could tell him how good he is, but he has this bitchy little girlfriend who gives me stink eye every time she catches me looking at him. I can't blame her, considering I probably undress him with my eyes in front of her.

In math class, I'm stuck with grad 9s because I went and failed it. Math does not need to exist in my life and I can't wait until I never have to deal with it again. But Danny makes math class tolerable. My plan was to just ignore all the niners around me and just pass math. But of course, I don't pay attention to anything the teacher talks about because I'm too busy writing and I'm also too busy looking at Danny. The day he asked me if he could borrow a pencil was the changing point. From that day on, I was hooked. Now, not only do I not pay attention to the teacher, but I also don't write as much because I'm too busy watching Danny. He's a little chubby and he's got curly black hair and whenever he smiles, I melt into my seat. My plan is to have a conversation with him outside of class before Christmas. Yes, I set small goals, but my shyness makes even the hardest difficult to accomplish.

Then, of course, there's Dave. Now Dave is different than the others. He;s in my history class but he failed so he's a year older than me. A grade 11 who I actually get to talk to. He is, as history says, the bee's knees. Like drop dead, resuscitate me and kill me again gorgeous. He's got the big three: Tall, Dark and Handsome. I linger close to him whenever I can and whenever he happens to flash me that smile, my heart speeds up and slows down all at once. And he's funny too. We're doing a project together (yes, I internally squealed) and everything that comes out of his mouth makes me laugh. He talks to me like I'm a normal person and surprisingly I can do the same back. He says hi to me in the halls and always flashes me that smile when he walks into class.

These boys keep me up at night. It's only the beginning of the year and I'm already obsessed with too many of them. I mean, there's more than just these three, like Mike and Matt, but I'll talk about them some other time. For now, I'm going to dream about PB & J's hair, Danny's plaid boxers and Dave's laugh. This will be the year of boys, I can tell. Maybe I'll even get to kiss one of them.

A Perfectly Good Heart.

The summer heat seeps into my bones, burning me from the inside out. I wish I were by the ocean right now so I could just jump in and forget about the sweat clinging my shirt to my back. I sit in front of my computer, the air continuing doing nothing for my sticky legs. My MSN Messenger is open and waiting. He told me after we finished talking yesterday that he would be on again today. I've been sitting in front of the computer for two hours. I try to let it go as I close the window and head to bed. I try to come up with excuses as to why Terry wouldn't be online when he said he'd be. I think of excuses until my brain can't take it anymore and I fall asleep.

The next day goes exactly the same. So I send him an email, asking what's up, and that I want him to come to my birthday party next week. A reply comes a few hours later. He's busy this week, but he'd love to come to my birthday. He says he's sorry.

So I walk on Cloud 9 for the rest of the week as I prepare for my 15th birthday. I'm giddy as I go shopping with my friends and I can't sleep at night as I picture how the party will go. Terry will arrive at my house. I'll be wearing a cute dress and he'll compliment it. He'll spend the rest of my party only paying attention to me and at the end of the night, after everyone's gone home, I'll walk him to the door and he'll lean in and kiss me. He'll wish me happy birthday softly in my ear and leave like a dream until he calls me the next day. And everything will be great.

The day of my party comes quickly. My backyard is decked out in a luau theme and I'm wearing a hawaiian print skirt and tank top. My fingertips are tingling with hope as I watch the clock and countdown the hours until my guests arrive. Soon my friends are all here and we are laughing, dancing, and enjoying the nice weather in my backyard oasis. But my ears are perked on the door. Every time it opens, I look over and hope to see his face. I continue to watch the door, listen for the phone to ring, wait. I wait.

And wait.

The sun disappears behind the clouds. The cake has been served and we are tired from dancing. My eyes are forever trained on the door even as my perfectly good party goes on around me. I say goodbye to my friends with a smile on my face but as I close the door for the last time, I can't help but still wish he'll show up.

The summer burns fast like a comet and I'm glad for it. The nights are too lonely and the days too long. August comes and so does the carnival. My friends and I gather to enjoy a night out of the house. We walk there, the cool lake breeze promising relief from the heat. The lights come into sight and I forget to be sad. We laugh as we walk through the carnival, watching kids spin on rides and boys win stuffed toys for their girls. I link arms with one of my girlfriends and strut down the aisle, ready to flirt with any boy that comes my way.

That's when I see him. He's with a small group and he's not looking at me - yet. As my eyes lock on him, he looks up and sees me. A large smile spreads across his face and he leaves his group and walks right up to me. I release my friend and walk the few steps towards him. After not seeing him for two months, all I want is to feel him against me. I just want to hear his voice.

"Hey, Jen!"

He leans in and hugs me. Hugs. Me. Suddenly everything feels right in the world.

"Sorry I haven't been around this summer. Lots of family stuff going on."

"Oh, it's fine." I smile, glad that he's talking to me. Nothing else seems to matter in the world.

"Hey, well I gotta go, but I'll see you soon okay?"

I watch as he disappears into the crowd. I try not to think how very much like Romeo And Juliet it feels - like I'm seeing him for the last time alive. I try to shake the feeling.

September comes and I walk into tenth grade a new person. This year will be better than last. No glasses, tamed hair and a new start. I'll find Terry in the hall and he'll smile at me like he did at the carnival. This will be the year. I go through the day anticipating our first sighting. By 3 o'clock I realize we have no classes together and I can't find him in the halls. I keep my head high and know that tomorrow is another day.

I go on MSN after dinner and he's online. My heart picks up speed. I message him and he messages me back. He's sorry we didn't see each other. Mentions we don't have any classes together. We talk about Survivor and everything seems normal. But that feeling in my gut is still there and after we say our goodnights, I crawl into bed and know things will never be the same.

I don't know where I went wrong. I see him in the halls still but we don't talk. He pretends I don't exist. My heart breaks when I see him and suddenly nothing is right. I never see him on MSN anymore and there is no more Survivor talk. It's like I never came into his life at all. Grade 10 was supposed to be better. There is only one way to get over a guy though, isn't there?

Get under another.

Fifteen.

I thought it would be easier. High school feels impossible. Everywhere I step, I have to look down in fear of what people will think of me. My glasses are outdated and my curly hair is unmanageable. Good thing I have a great group of friends who believe that I can actually make it through. They even believe that boys will like me. I'm not convinced about the second part.

My friends know most of the boys I like. I usually can't stop talking about them. But some of them I keep to myself, and as I walk to my next class, head down, I think about him. I haven't told anyone I like him because I'm not sure what they'll think. He's cute in his own way and he makes me smile. He's a figure skater and I've been itching for him to invite me to one of his shows. The good thing is - that might actually be possible since I actually talk to him.

He smiles at me from his seat and I smile back, the flutter slowly curling through my stomach. I slide into my chair and throw my backpack down beside me. My stolen moments with Terry are about to begin.

"Did you watch Survivor last night?" I ask as I pull out my binder.

"Of Course!" Terry replies, leaning towards me in his chair. "I can't believe they kicked off Colleen! She was so cute!"

I cringe, but keep the thought of Terry liking what someone else looks like in my head. "Ya, she was my favourite."

"I actually though she had a chance at winning. Maybe Kelly will win."

"Rudy's pretty tough."

"This is true." He smiles as the teacher comes in. He flashes a sly grin as he turns to the front of the class and I know it's something. It has to be something.

Class goes by too quickly and I don't get another chance to talk to him. But it's okay because he walks me out and we continue to chat. We talk about Survivor endlessly. It's our connection. We joke and laugh and I feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can tell him anything except for how I feel about him. My friends don't know I like him and I like it that way. It's my secret. He's all mine.

"Hey, I have practice on Saturday, want to come along? You haven't seen me skate yet."

Did I imagine that?

"Umm, ya, I'd love to."

"Awesome, my dad and I will come pick you up. He'll just drop us off, but it sure beats the bus. Give me your address."

This has to be a dream. I scribble my address on a scrap piece of paper and hand it to him. Our hands touch for a second and I swear I feel electricity zoom through them. Our eyes meet and we share a smile.

"See you then."

I'm frozen to the tiles as he walks away. He's small like me, thin and long. His dark skin compliments my porcelain and all I want to do is hold his hand and walk down the hall together. He invited me to watch him skate. That has to mean something right?


Saturday come and goes. The day was perfect. We laughed and smiled and I watched him skate. I was the only person he invited and when he introduced me to his partner, she smiled like she knew me - like he'd talked about me.

I convince my mom to get me contacts. It is the best day of my life. Suddenly I feel more confident, prettier. I can't wait to show up at school and actually get noticed. It makes a big difference in my walk and my smile and everything else about me. I know Terry will like it.

"Wow, Jen, you got rid of you glasses!" He exclaims as he meets me at my locker.

"Ya, it's about time."

"Looks good."

He passes by me like what he said didn't just make me melt. He actually notices me. I am part of his life and he thinks about me when he sees me. It's not like before with any of those other guys. I was just another person in the world to them. I know, I just know, that I'm more than that with Terry. This could be it. This could be my first real love. Maybe fifteen won't be so bad.

Invisible.

Okay, there are, like, way too many cute boys in this high school. I don't even know where to start. Walking down the halls, I press my books to my chest as my eyes roam the "sights". High school is a whole new story, a whole new chance to be the person I want to be. There were no real love stories in middle school, but high school is going to be different.

I adjust my glasses, wishing this year could have started differently. If I got contacts, I'd have a better shot having a guy actually notice me. I make my way to English class, my heart beating a little faster than usual. It pounds against my ribcage as I step over the threshold and see him sitting at his desk. There are a lot of cute boys, but he's my favourite. Ted smiles at me and I return it. We've known each other since grade school but he was never in the same class as me. It's a safety net, him here, and it comforts me. But I know it's nothing but a friendly reminder. I try to remind myself of that. I slid into my chair by him just as the teacher walks in. Mr. Bennett is my favourite teacher. It may be that he teaches my favourite subject, but either way he's cool.

We're reading Romeo & Juliet. It's the first Shakespeare I've ever read, they start you off in Grade 9 and then go from there I guess, and so far I love it. Juliet is a heartbreaking character and she reminds me of myself. She falls head first into love and gives all her heart. Romeo will do anything to be with her even though he knows he can't. She can't get him out of her mind. Their love will be the death of them but all that matters is that they loved, that they had a chance to be together. We take turns reading characters and I've only read the Nurse so far. I want to read Juliet. I want people to see me, to notice me. I want Ted to notice me. Mr. Bennett looks up and starts telling everyone who they'll be reading. His eyes land on me.

"Jen, do you want to read Juliet?"

My head screams but I release a small "Yes."

My pulse is racing and I can feel it vibrating through my entire body. Yes, I want to read Juliet, but I'm so shy and so scared that I'll mess up. I look at the scene we're doing and I have a long soliloquy. A lot of reading. A lot of attention. I'm kind of used to being invisible. I'm always quiet and the only time I really feel like myself is when I'm with my friends. But I can do this. The room disappears around me and I know someone is reading something. I wait for my turn. By the time it comes, my palms are sweaty and my legs are shaking. But I read. I read for so long that I become Juliet. Mr. Bennett leaves at one point, but I keep going. I know no one is listening, but I hope, just hope, that someone is paying attention to me. That I am making an impact in someone's life. But I'm just the girl with the nerdy glasses who is actually speaking for once.

I finish my monologue and times continues like nothing happened. The bell rings and I stand to go, thinking that maybe Ted will stop and talk to me, say something about my reading. But when I look up he's already out the door. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and edge into the hallway, getting lost in the crowd of students. But my heart picks up its pace as I move closer to my next class. Oh ya, PB & J is in my next class. Maybe I'll actually talk to him today.

Tied Together With A Smile.

I adjust the white satin top I'm wearing, my palms sweaty as I try to stay calm. Two years at this school and now it's coming to an end. The gym is stuffy and bodies are everywhere. My fingers twist knots in my pink skirt and I try to remember that I look decent. I maybe, sort of look pretty. I focus on that as I make my way across the dance floor. A '90s hit is pounding through the speakers but I can barely hear it my heart is pumping so loud. I spot him on the sidelines, laughing with his friends. I've liked him all year and it actually seems like it could be something. Not like with Eric, where I watched him from afar and hoped he'd talk to me. No, Tyler actually does talk to me on a regular basis. We are friends, real friends, and I want more. I've wanted more since he first talked to me. Now I'm going to get more.

He smiles as soon as he sees me and my heart squeals.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey. I was, um, wondering, if you wanted to dance?" I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart.

The three second gap between words kills me.

"Well, I promised someone else first, but I'll find you after, cool?" he replies, calmly, like I didn't just risk my life speaking my question out loud.

"Sure, ya."

I try a smile and walk away, my palms a mess and my legs wobbling as I walk. But he said yes. Yes. One of my dreams may actually come true tonight.

I find my friends and spend a minute being giddy over the conversation I just had. A slow song comes on and I turn to see Tyler dancing with the other girl. I can't watch it. I go to the bathroom and fix my hair, pretending everything is okay. It's not like we're dating. It's not like he can't dance with anyone else. He's going to dance with me, I keep reminding myself, this will all work out.

When the song ends, I merge back into the crowd and get lost in the music. My friends and I laugh as we dance, not caring what anyone else thinks. The music fills me up and holds me there. It captures me and I decide I never want it to let me go. When the song ends, another slow one comes on and I'm jolted back to reality. It's time.

I search the gym for Tyler, waiting to see his face in the crowd as he walks toward me. That's how it would happen in the movies, right? I can't find him. I walk around the gym three times as the song continues to play. It'll be over before I find him. No, I have to dance with him. I feel the tears press against my skull, threatening to release. I'll find him soon, I know I will. Maybe he's just in the bathroom and he'll come out and find me and everything will be okay. We'll dance this last dance before we part ways and go to high school. It will mean something to both of us and things will change.

The first verse is over and I know it's too late. I need to find someone else to dance with. I'm not going to let this last song of middle school go to watse. I track down another guy that I've sort of had my eye on and ask him to dance before I can scare myself into not. He says yes and we walk out to the dance floor together. He puts his hands around my waste awkwardly since we don't know each other very well. I lean my head on his shoulder and we start to move to the music.

"All My Life" by Boyz 2 Men - the first song I ever slow dance with a guy too. But it's not the guy I wanted. It's meaningless. I hold on tighter and he pulls me in. He probably thinks I really like him, that I asked him to dance because he's the one I picked. I don't tell him otherwise, I just dance. I squeeze my eyes shut so I won't cry and I feel my body shake from the thoughts. He holds on to me to keep me safe, pulls tighter to keep me from shaking. I want to thank him for it, for making me feel loved when all I feel is alone.

Tyler finds me after the dance and apologizes for not being there. Something came up. I know he just forgot. I know he said he'd dance with me but never really planned too. I shake it off and go home, hoping, praying, that high school will be better in the boy department.

Superstar.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

He was so good looking it hurt. His blond hair and perfect smile were the thing of dreams. He belonged in movies. The All American Dreamboat (All Canadian Dreamboat?) He took boy crazy to another level.

Eric Sanderson.

Too shy to talk to him, but too deep to leave him alone. I felt confident behind a computer, so I decided to contact him that way. cutie_luvs_eric@hotmail.com I thought it clever. He wouldn't know my name or who I was and he'd fall for me without knowing I was the geeky flat chested girl with glasses that sat behind him in class. I sent him messages every day. He'd respond and my heart would flutter out of my chest. I thought I'd be confident enough to approach him and tell him it was me in the emails. I thought my dreams would come true. He wasn't the only crush I had in middle school. I could never have just one crush. Kevin Hutchinson caught my attention too and so did Tyler Snow. I may have had a chance with these two, but I had a chance in hell with Eric. He was the most popular boy in Grade 8. But I was never one to play it safe.

The moment came when I finally found the courage to tell him who I was. I wrote it in the email, hoping this would be it. Hoping he'd sweep me off my feet and ride off with me into the sunset. The Backstreet Boys wrote songs about this. This was love. This was perfect. He told me he already knew it was me. On the email account, I had added my name so every time I sent him an email, he knew it was me. He had always known. It didn't matter. He told me he wasn't interested, that I was a nice girl but he wasn't attracted to be. I couldn't blame him. I was in the most awkward stage of life and I didn't think I'd ever get out of it.

Heartbroken, I deleted the email account and moved on. I went to school the next day as though nothing had happened. I still watched him, a stalker doesn't forget her first prey. But there would be other boys to focus my attention on. Besides, I already liked Kevin and Tyler too. I would just watch them instead, dream of them instead, hope they'd talk to me instead. Eric was unreachable. He was a rockstar. A celebrity. So I put him on the pedestal with the other rockstars and watched him from afar, no longer trying to make contact.

The Story Of Us.

So I've decided to challenge myself. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm having a rough time trying to finish my novel, but it's also something I've wanted to do for a while. It's going to be a story about my love life. From my first crush (if I can remember his name) to my fiance. It'll be an emotional journey. I'll have to face boys that I haven't thought about in a long time. But I think it'll be worth it. Each boy showed me something and has made me a part of who I am today. It may be a good thing or a bad thing and I may hate most of them, but they are forever a part of my life.

I'm excited for this journey. Let's see where it takes me.

Another except from Vitality

Could I be that girl? Could I live a normal life in any city I want and just be free? Could I fall in love without fear of hurting anyone? Could I be myself and be with my family? Is it even possible to live a normal life with this blood flowing through my veins? Will that ever be possible? I can’t stay here long, it’s already too dangerous, and he’s already got a hold on me.

Will I ever stop running? Will I ever be safe?

The only option I have now is to leave, to keep going, to separate myself from everyone I love or could love and hide.

Cole’s words swim through my head.

“Sometimes you have to sacrifice things to do what you love. What do you want most in this whole world?”

I didn’t have an answer for him, but now, soaked to the bone and standing outside my apartment, I realize what I want.

“I want to be free,” I whisper, the words tumbling from my trembling lips.

I can’t tell him why and he doesn’t ask. He just looks at me like he understands, like none of us are free. His hair is matted to his forehead, clear droplets of water dripping down onto his nose and mouth. His shirt clings to his toned chest and all of me just wants to bring him upstairs and dry him up. That’s what a normal girl would do.

“Why does the caged bird sing?” he asks, his eyes dark under the soft light of the building lobby.

“Because he’s safe?” I answer quickly, thinking maybe I was better in my cage in Freedom, safe from any harm.

But was I safe? They still found me and I still had to run. I’ll always have to run. If I were in a cage, that would just make it easier for them. I’ll never be safe.

“Because her heart is still free,” he says, his soft voice tingling the hairs on my ear.

I didn’t even notice him step closer to me. I can see every muscle beneath his shirt now, the fabric a part of his skin. I blink my eyes away from his chest and focus on the wall behind him.

“Just never forget that no one can control your heart Tave.”

Writing.com

I've taken the next step in my writing. I've joined a writing website where I can post all my stories and get ratings and reviews from other members. It's a great site and there are a lot of tips and tricks to help with my writing. I enter contests on it all the time and even though they do not pay out in money, they pay out in gift points which can be used around the site. I've won a couple and I continue to use the contest prompts to explore my writing further and help me along. And I love it.

In other news, I've been writing a new story and so far it's pretty long and I'm not nearly done. It's a love story (as most of my stories are) with a little twist (as most of my stories do) It involves three characters: Veronica, Ethan and Emmy and is told from each of their perspectives. Each chapter is titled with their name so that you know whose voice you're hearing. Ethan and Emmy have a past and dated for quite a while until Ethan broke it off. Six months later and she has flown into his life again and he can't get her out of his head and maybe he doesn't want to. But he has recently met another girl, Veronica, and has just as much, if not more, chemistry with her. For a while he is involved with both of them but then he makes the choice and chooses Veronica. Unfortunately Emmy is not going away any time soon and she is not happy with Ethan's new found love. But how far will she go to get Ethan back?

Veronica is a dreamer who wants nothing more than to find her happy ending and overcome the fear of being hurt. She watched her parents' marriage fall apart before her eyes and she plays by certain rules to make sure that won't happen to her. Ethan is a musician torn between his past and his future and Emmy is an actress ready to play any part she needs to in order to get what she wants most. And what she wants is her own happy ending.

I'm really excited for this story. I've been writing it every day and I'm already so attached to the characters. I have faith that it will turn out well. I've also been reading a lot which is important to me because the more I read, the more I know what publishers are looking for in novels. And I'm getting there and one day I will be there. I have no doubt in that.