A Perfectly Good Heart.

The summer heat seeps into my bones, burning me from the inside out. I wish I were by the ocean right now so I could just jump in and forget about the sweat clinging my shirt to my back. I sit in front of my computer, the air continuing doing nothing for my sticky legs. My MSN Messenger is open and waiting. He told me after we finished talking yesterday that he would be on again today. I've been sitting in front of the computer for two hours. I try to let it go as I close the window and head to bed. I try to come up with excuses as to why Terry wouldn't be online when he said he'd be. I think of excuses until my brain can't take it anymore and I fall asleep.

The next day goes exactly the same. So I send him an email, asking what's up, and that I want him to come to my birthday party next week. A reply comes a few hours later. He's busy this week, but he'd love to come to my birthday. He says he's sorry.

So I walk on Cloud 9 for the rest of the week as I prepare for my 15th birthday. I'm giddy as I go shopping with my friends and I can't sleep at night as I picture how the party will go. Terry will arrive at my house. I'll be wearing a cute dress and he'll compliment it. He'll spend the rest of my party only paying attention to me and at the end of the night, after everyone's gone home, I'll walk him to the door and he'll lean in and kiss me. He'll wish me happy birthday softly in my ear and leave like a dream until he calls me the next day. And everything will be great.

The day of my party comes quickly. My backyard is decked out in a luau theme and I'm wearing a hawaiian print skirt and tank top. My fingertips are tingling with hope as I watch the clock and countdown the hours until my guests arrive. Soon my friends are all here and we are laughing, dancing, and enjoying the nice weather in my backyard oasis. But my ears are perked on the door. Every time it opens, I look over and hope to see his face. I continue to watch the door, listen for the phone to ring, wait. I wait.

And wait.

The sun disappears behind the clouds. The cake has been served and we are tired from dancing. My eyes are forever trained on the door even as my perfectly good party goes on around me. I say goodbye to my friends with a smile on my face but as I close the door for the last time, I can't help but still wish he'll show up.

The summer burns fast like a comet and I'm glad for it. The nights are too lonely and the days too long. August comes and so does the carnival. My friends and I gather to enjoy a night out of the house. We walk there, the cool lake breeze promising relief from the heat. The lights come into sight and I forget to be sad. We laugh as we walk through the carnival, watching kids spin on rides and boys win stuffed toys for their girls. I link arms with one of my girlfriends and strut down the aisle, ready to flirt with any boy that comes my way.

That's when I see him. He's with a small group and he's not looking at me - yet. As my eyes lock on him, he looks up and sees me. A large smile spreads across his face and he leaves his group and walks right up to me. I release my friend and walk the few steps towards him. After not seeing him for two months, all I want is to feel him against me. I just want to hear his voice.

"Hey, Jen!"

He leans in and hugs me. Hugs. Me. Suddenly everything feels right in the world.

"Sorry I haven't been around this summer. Lots of family stuff going on."

"Oh, it's fine." I smile, glad that he's talking to me. Nothing else seems to matter in the world.

"Hey, well I gotta go, but I'll see you soon okay?"

I watch as he disappears into the crowd. I try not to think how very much like Romeo And Juliet it feels - like I'm seeing him for the last time alive. I try to shake the feeling.

September comes and I walk into tenth grade a new person. This year will be better than last. No glasses, tamed hair and a new start. I'll find Terry in the hall and he'll smile at me like he did at the carnival. This will be the year. I go through the day anticipating our first sighting. By 3 o'clock I realize we have no classes together and I can't find him in the halls. I keep my head high and know that tomorrow is another day.

I go on MSN after dinner and he's online. My heart picks up speed. I message him and he messages me back. He's sorry we didn't see each other. Mentions we don't have any classes together. We talk about Survivor and everything seems normal. But that feeling in my gut is still there and after we say our goodnights, I crawl into bed and know things will never be the same.

I don't know where I went wrong. I see him in the halls still but we don't talk. He pretends I don't exist. My heart breaks when I see him and suddenly nothing is right. I never see him on MSN anymore and there is no more Survivor talk. It's like I never came into his life at all. Grade 10 was supposed to be better. There is only one way to get over a guy though, isn't there?

Get under another.

Fifteen.

I thought it would be easier. High school feels impossible. Everywhere I step, I have to look down in fear of what people will think of me. My glasses are outdated and my curly hair is unmanageable. Good thing I have a great group of friends who believe that I can actually make it through. They even believe that boys will like me. I'm not convinced about the second part.

My friends know most of the boys I like. I usually can't stop talking about them. But some of them I keep to myself, and as I walk to my next class, head down, I think about him. I haven't told anyone I like him because I'm not sure what they'll think. He's cute in his own way and he makes me smile. He's a figure skater and I've been itching for him to invite me to one of his shows. The good thing is - that might actually be possible since I actually talk to him.

He smiles at me from his seat and I smile back, the flutter slowly curling through my stomach. I slide into my chair and throw my backpack down beside me. My stolen moments with Terry are about to begin.

"Did you watch Survivor last night?" I ask as I pull out my binder.

"Of Course!" Terry replies, leaning towards me in his chair. "I can't believe they kicked off Colleen! She was so cute!"

I cringe, but keep the thought of Terry liking what someone else looks like in my head. "Ya, she was my favourite."

"I actually though she had a chance at winning. Maybe Kelly will win."

"Rudy's pretty tough."

"This is true." He smiles as the teacher comes in. He flashes a sly grin as he turns to the front of the class and I know it's something. It has to be something.

Class goes by too quickly and I don't get another chance to talk to him. But it's okay because he walks me out and we continue to chat. We talk about Survivor endlessly. It's our connection. We joke and laugh and I feel comfortable around him. I feel like I can tell him anything except for how I feel about him. My friends don't know I like him and I like it that way. It's my secret. He's all mine.

"Hey, I have practice on Saturday, want to come along? You haven't seen me skate yet."

Did I imagine that?

"Umm, ya, I'd love to."

"Awesome, my dad and I will come pick you up. He'll just drop us off, but it sure beats the bus. Give me your address."

This has to be a dream. I scribble my address on a scrap piece of paper and hand it to him. Our hands touch for a second and I swear I feel electricity zoom through them. Our eyes meet and we share a smile.

"See you then."

I'm frozen to the tiles as he walks away. He's small like me, thin and long. His dark skin compliments my porcelain and all I want to do is hold his hand and walk down the hall together. He invited me to watch him skate. That has to mean something right?


Saturday come and goes. The day was perfect. We laughed and smiled and I watched him skate. I was the only person he invited and when he introduced me to his partner, she smiled like she knew me - like he'd talked about me.

I convince my mom to get me contacts. It is the best day of my life. Suddenly I feel more confident, prettier. I can't wait to show up at school and actually get noticed. It makes a big difference in my walk and my smile and everything else about me. I know Terry will like it.

"Wow, Jen, you got rid of you glasses!" He exclaims as he meets me at my locker.

"Ya, it's about time."

"Looks good."

He passes by me like what he said didn't just make me melt. He actually notices me. I am part of his life and he thinks about me when he sees me. It's not like before with any of those other guys. I was just another person in the world to them. I know, I just know, that I'm more than that with Terry. This could be it. This could be my first real love. Maybe fifteen won't be so bad.

Invisible.

Okay, there are, like, way too many cute boys in this high school. I don't even know where to start. Walking down the halls, I press my books to my chest as my eyes roam the "sights". High school is a whole new story, a whole new chance to be the person I want to be. There were no real love stories in middle school, but high school is going to be different.

I adjust my glasses, wishing this year could have started differently. If I got contacts, I'd have a better shot having a guy actually notice me. I make my way to English class, my heart beating a little faster than usual. It pounds against my ribcage as I step over the threshold and see him sitting at his desk. There are a lot of cute boys, but he's my favourite. Ted smiles at me and I return it. We've known each other since grade school but he was never in the same class as me. It's a safety net, him here, and it comforts me. But I know it's nothing but a friendly reminder. I try to remind myself of that. I slid into my chair by him just as the teacher walks in. Mr. Bennett is my favourite teacher. It may be that he teaches my favourite subject, but either way he's cool.

We're reading Romeo & Juliet. It's the first Shakespeare I've ever read, they start you off in Grade 9 and then go from there I guess, and so far I love it. Juliet is a heartbreaking character and she reminds me of myself. She falls head first into love and gives all her heart. Romeo will do anything to be with her even though he knows he can't. She can't get him out of her mind. Their love will be the death of them but all that matters is that they loved, that they had a chance to be together. We take turns reading characters and I've only read the Nurse so far. I want to read Juliet. I want people to see me, to notice me. I want Ted to notice me. Mr. Bennett looks up and starts telling everyone who they'll be reading. His eyes land on me.

"Jen, do you want to read Juliet?"

My head screams but I release a small "Yes."

My pulse is racing and I can feel it vibrating through my entire body. Yes, I want to read Juliet, but I'm so shy and so scared that I'll mess up. I look at the scene we're doing and I have a long soliloquy. A lot of reading. A lot of attention. I'm kind of used to being invisible. I'm always quiet and the only time I really feel like myself is when I'm with my friends. But I can do this. The room disappears around me and I know someone is reading something. I wait for my turn. By the time it comes, my palms are sweaty and my legs are shaking. But I read. I read for so long that I become Juliet. Mr. Bennett leaves at one point, but I keep going. I know no one is listening, but I hope, just hope, that someone is paying attention to me. That I am making an impact in someone's life. But I'm just the girl with the nerdy glasses who is actually speaking for once.

I finish my monologue and times continues like nothing happened. The bell rings and I stand to go, thinking that maybe Ted will stop and talk to me, say something about my reading. But when I look up he's already out the door. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and edge into the hallway, getting lost in the crowd of students. But my heart picks up its pace as I move closer to my next class. Oh ya, PB & J is in my next class. Maybe I'll actually talk to him today.

Tied Together With A Smile.

I adjust the white satin top I'm wearing, my palms sweaty as I try to stay calm. Two years at this school and now it's coming to an end. The gym is stuffy and bodies are everywhere. My fingers twist knots in my pink skirt and I try to remember that I look decent. I maybe, sort of look pretty. I focus on that as I make my way across the dance floor. A '90s hit is pounding through the speakers but I can barely hear it my heart is pumping so loud. I spot him on the sidelines, laughing with his friends. I've liked him all year and it actually seems like it could be something. Not like with Eric, where I watched him from afar and hoped he'd talk to me. No, Tyler actually does talk to me on a regular basis. We are friends, real friends, and I want more. I've wanted more since he first talked to me. Now I'm going to get more.

He smiles as soon as he sees me and my heart squeals.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey. I was, um, wondering, if you wanted to dance?" I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart.

The three second gap between words kills me.

"Well, I promised someone else first, but I'll find you after, cool?" he replies, calmly, like I didn't just risk my life speaking my question out loud.

"Sure, ya."

I try a smile and walk away, my palms a mess and my legs wobbling as I walk. But he said yes. Yes. One of my dreams may actually come true tonight.

I find my friends and spend a minute being giddy over the conversation I just had. A slow song comes on and I turn to see Tyler dancing with the other girl. I can't watch it. I go to the bathroom and fix my hair, pretending everything is okay. It's not like we're dating. It's not like he can't dance with anyone else. He's going to dance with me, I keep reminding myself, this will all work out.

When the song ends, I merge back into the crowd and get lost in the music. My friends and I laugh as we dance, not caring what anyone else thinks. The music fills me up and holds me there. It captures me and I decide I never want it to let me go. When the song ends, another slow one comes on and I'm jolted back to reality. It's time.

I search the gym for Tyler, waiting to see his face in the crowd as he walks toward me. That's how it would happen in the movies, right? I can't find him. I walk around the gym three times as the song continues to play. It'll be over before I find him. No, I have to dance with him. I feel the tears press against my skull, threatening to release. I'll find him soon, I know I will. Maybe he's just in the bathroom and he'll come out and find me and everything will be okay. We'll dance this last dance before we part ways and go to high school. It will mean something to both of us and things will change.

The first verse is over and I know it's too late. I need to find someone else to dance with. I'm not going to let this last song of middle school go to watse. I track down another guy that I've sort of had my eye on and ask him to dance before I can scare myself into not. He says yes and we walk out to the dance floor together. He puts his hands around my waste awkwardly since we don't know each other very well. I lean my head on his shoulder and we start to move to the music.

"All My Life" by Boyz 2 Men - the first song I ever slow dance with a guy too. But it's not the guy I wanted. It's meaningless. I hold on tighter and he pulls me in. He probably thinks I really like him, that I asked him to dance because he's the one I picked. I don't tell him otherwise, I just dance. I squeeze my eyes shut so I won't cry and I feel my body shake from the thoughts. He holds on to me to keep me safe, pulls tighter to keep me from shaking. I want to thank him for it, for making me feel loved when all I feel is alone.

Tyler finds me after the dance and apologizes for not being there. Something came up. I know he just forgot. I know he said he'd dance with me but never really planned too. I shake it off and go home, hoping, praying, that high school will be better in the boy department.

Superstar.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

He was so good looking it hurt. His blond hair and perfect smile were the thing of dreams. He belonged in movies. The All American Dreamboat (All Canadian Dreamboat?) He took boy crazy to another level.

Eric Sanderson.

Too shy to talk to him, but too deep to leave him alone. I felt confident behind a computer, so I decided to contact him that way. cutie_luvs_eric@hotmail.com I thought it clever. He wouldn't know my name or who I was and he'd fall for me without knowing I was the geeky flat chested girl with glasses that sat behind him in class. I sent him messages every day. He'd respond and my heart would flutter out of my chest. I thought I'd be confident enough to approach him and tell him it was me in the emails. I thought my dreams would come true. He wasn't the only crush I had in middle school. I could never have just one crush. Kevin Hutchinson caught my attention too and so did Tyler Snow. I may have had a chance with these two, but I had a chance in hell with Eric. He was the most popular boy in Grade 8. But I was never one to play it safe.

The moment came when I finally found the courage to tell him who I was. I wrote it in the email, hoping this would be it. Hoping he'd sweep me off my feet and ride off with me into the sunset. The Backstreet Boys wrote songs about this. This was love. This was perfect. He told me he already knew it was me. On the email account, I had added my name so every time I sent him an email, he knew it was me. He had always known. It didn't matter. He told me he wasn't interested, that I was a nice girl but he wasn't attracted to be. I couldn't blame him. I was in the most awkward stage of life and I didn't think I'd ever get out of it.

Heartbroken, I deleted the email account and moved on. I went to school the next day as though nothing had happened. I still watched him, a stalker doesn't forget her first prey. But there would be other boys to focus my attention on. Besides, I already liked Kevin and Tyler too. I would just watch them instead, dream of them instead, hope they'd talk to me instead. Eric was unreachable. He was a rockstar. A celebrity. So I put him on the pedestal with the other rockstars and watched him from afar, no longer trying to make contact.