You're Not Sorry

Kissing is something for the books, isn't it? The idea of it sounds like it could be gross. Lips mashing together, bad breath, tongues jetting out like dogs, but kissing, actually kissing, is in a league of its own.  Lips melt together and become one. You pop a mint and everything is peachy keen. Tongues massage each other, sending waves of pleasure throughout the rest of your body. Kissing is wonderful and magical and something that I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kyle loves to kiss me. We kiss at school, after school, in the mall, on the street, everywhere and anywhere. He can't get enough of my lips. And ya, kissing is fun. But I've only just started and he's acting like we'll die tomorrow. I should be glad someone wants to kiss me. But talking is nice too, isn't it? I still barely know this boy I call a boyfriend. We've only been dating a week, but I always thought relationships were different than this. The plus side to it is that I get to spend a lot more time with Kristin and Jon. The four of us have become a little gang. We do everything together now and I'm glad to have them there so that I'm not always alone with Kyle. I've never been closer to her and it feels good It seems that getting a boyfriend is good for a lot of things.

But kissing is cool, even if I want more talking. I certainly don't have a problem with Kyle's lips or his hands or just about anything else attached to him. So when he asks me over for a movie night with Kristin and Jon at his place, I smile and say yes, eager to feel his lips against mine once more.

Kristin and Jon pick me up at my house and we rollerblade over to Kyle's. Kyle's lips meet mine and I fall into the kiss like his air is the only air left in the world. We put on a movie and the four of us get comfortable on the couch. Before we even get halfway through, Kristin and Jon disappear into Kyle's room, leaving Kyle and me alone. Within minutes, we're kissing. I get lost in his lips and forget that there's even a movie playing. Before long, he's pushing me down on the couch and I close my eyes against his touch. The kissing is nice. I like the kissing. But I need to come up for air. I pull away just as we hear a loud noise  coming from his room. Perfect. We get of the couch to see what happened. Finding his clock broken, he goes in to clean it up. I look at Kristin, silently asking her to come back into the living room. I think I've had enough kissing for the evening. My lips are feeling a little bruised and I really just want to talk. But Kristin either ignores me or doesn't see me because before I know it, Kyle is leading me back to the living room alone. Thankfully that's what we do. We talk. I relax into the couch, glad to be near him but not under him. But when Kristin and Jon decide they're going to the store, we're suddenly alone again.

"Hey, let's go in my room."

"Sure,' I reply because yes, I do like kissing him.

This is my first time on his bed. This is the first time lying on a bed with him. We've been together for a week. We're sixteen and suddenly we're on his bed. His lips are back on mine and his hands are roaming my body, trying to memorize my every inch. His touch feels good and I try to turn off my brain and fall into his touch. Kristin and Jon come home and we get off the bed. I'm glad for the movement, for the company. The bed was too much. But instead of going back to the living room, he takes my hand and leads me down the hall. We end up in what must be his parent's room.

"I want to show you some family pictures."

It's the best thing he could say right now. He closes the door and I sit on the bed while he finds the album. Sitting beside me, I lean close to him as he shows me baby pictures of him. It's the sweetest thing and I can't wait for more moments like this. Getting to know a person is the best part of life. As humans, we get to learn new things every day, get to meet new people all the time. One moment we're strangers, the next we're in love. Life is wonderful like that.

Kyle closes the album and puts it on the floor and suddenly it's just us again. He moves his head close to mine, his hand on my thigh and soon his lips are against mine again and his body is pushing me down onto the bed. I've never kissed this much in my life but I feel high and elated and I just keep going. He moves off of me and pulls off his shirt. A dark trail of hair runs down his stomach and I smile. My friends and I always talk about trails. I let my hands fall over his chest, suddenly feeling grown up and nervous all at once. He trails kisses down my neck and I moan against his touch.

Then he's flipping me over and pushing my head towards his crotch. My body freezes. For a second I don't understand what's happening, but then I realize it all too soon.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a blow job."

We've been dating a week. A week! I barely know this guy and he expects me to pleasure him? I don't even know anything about this. I've never had a boyfriend before and I've certainly never seen a penis before. Tonight is not the night for that, not at all. But I couldn't tell him I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt him.

"Sorry, I'm just really tired. I think it's time to go home."

"Come on, it won't take long."

"I should go," I say, pulling away from the bed and trying to get to the door.

"Jen, it's super easy!"

Tears well up in my eyes and I don't feel comfortable at all. How does something so wonderful suddenly turn into a nightmare? What happened to no meaning no?

I pull open the door before he can ask again. I start towards the living room, but he catches up to me, holding my hand and squeezing it in apology. I find Kristin and we leave. Kyle kisses me goodnight and I try not to show how hurt I am.

He is just a teenage boy. I guess girls my age are supposed to do things like this. I'm sure Kristin does. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I should call and apologize. Maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong. He likes me. We're together. That means something.

Right?