Night Reprieve. (Except)

I've had this idea for a contemporary roaring through me for months now, but I haven't been writing very much lately. Here's a scene I wrote for it, i'm hoping this makes me want to keep writing. 

There was only one way to make this night better. Even when Ollie and I were dating, I still needed this solace before bed, this time alone where I could just be. My head’s been pounding all day, this hangover threatening to never leave me, and I know I should try to get some sleep because tomorrow at school will be brutal with or without a headache. If I thought it was bad last week, I know this week will be worse. The cat’s out of the bag: Ollie is dating Beth. It’s out there, flashing lights surrounding them. You don’t show up to a party with a girl if you don’t want people to know about you two. It was a statement, one that he knew I would see. It’s not that I thought there was any chance of us getting back together. Heck, I don’t think any part of me even wants to be with him (okay, that’s a lie, there’s a little part of me that misses the crap out of him) but seeing him with Beth has made it brutally clear. He’s over me, he’s moved on, and tomorrow with be the first official day of them as a couple. It’ll be him replacing me and everyone will continue whispering about me. I was hoping that would stop soon, now I know that was only wishful thinking.

I pry my contacts out of my eyes; thankful for the empty feeling it brings me. My house is quiet, everyone asleep and preparing for tomorrow. Cuddling into my favourite sweatshirt, I unhook the lock on my window and push it open. Cool air welcomes me onto my widow’s peak, and I crawl onto the worn wood with glee. Crossing my feet beneath me, I close my eyes and let the wind whip my hair around my face, clearing my mind and reminding me that not everything has to be about school. Jacob constantly reminds me that high school is only four years of my life. He thinks he’s so wise now that he’s in college, but I guess he would know better than me. I’m sure once I’m out of here and in New York, I’ll agree with him, but for now, in this scary moment where I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I can’t imagine a world where people don’t talk behind your back, or betray you, or use your words against you.

When the wind starts to chill me through my clothes, I climb back inside and lock up tight. Shuffling over to my door, I turn off my overhead light and turn on the small bedside light beside my bed. I tuck myself under my blankets, letting my body temperature return to normal and my heartbeat slow down. Grabbing my copy of The Great Gatsby, I forget about the world, school, and especially Ollie and lose myself to other people’s problems. I drown in the book, dive into the pages and forget that I need air to breathe. I don’t come up until I’m ready for dead and my eyes are growing tired. Even as I grow closer to see, I think of Gatsby and what he would do to make all his dreams come true.

A Place In This World

I'm single. It took me a week, but I finally did it. There was no getting past that night at his house. I don't think I'm ready to be in any sort of relationship right now. I have other things to worry about like university and seeing my friends. Time to take a break from boys. Time for me...

Oh. He got over me fast, didn't he? He's already flirting with one of my best friends and she's flirting back. Hopefully nothing will come of it. Yes, I know I don't like him anymore, but I thought there were rules...

And now they're dating. They both asked my permission first (which was nice) but it's still really weird. I can't watch them together, knowing what he asked me to do and how our whole relationship went down. Should I warn her what kind of guy he is? Should I tell her that he's going to stick his tongue so far down her throat that she won't be able to breathe? Maybe it'll be for the best if I just stay out of this one...

So no more boys. Swore to myself that I'd stay away from anyone who batted an eyelash at me for a little bit. But, seriously, they're everyone. I still see (and think) of Terry all the time even though I know I shouldn't. The cutie in my biology class actually talks to me now and that just makes everything about science so much better. There's Mr. Popular who walks to class with me and our two minutes together every other day are so wonderful that they're all I think of. And there's a dance next week and I just keep remembering what happened at the semi where he told me he'd dance with me next time. Here's hoping he keeps good on his word. Oh wait, I'm swearing off boys aren't I?

None of them showed up. Life sucks in boyland right now an that's probably a good thing, but I can't stop thinking about them. It's like everyday I like someone new and I know I should try to be along right now, but time feels like it's running out. Yes, I know I'm 16 and time is surely not running out, but high school seems like such a huge thing and I want it to mean something. It's almost summer and I know things will so different when school ends. What will happen when I come back for grade 11? What does the future hold for me? Will I be willing to put myself back out there? I know I need to get over Kyle and move on. Maybe that's why I'm crushing so hard on so many boys. I just want that night out of my head and I think if I replace it with something else, I'll feel better. He's the only guy I've kissed and most of those kisses aren't good memories for me. What's next for me? How do I move on from the past and let myself be open again?

It's gorgeous outside so my brother and I walk over to Dominion. It's just down the street and we're a little hungry. As we're manoeuvring through the aisles, I spot a cute guy. He's wearing a uniform and stocking shelves and I think my heart skips a beat. Then he turns to us and smiles and I'd have fainted if I didn't want to embarrass myself.

"Bill! What's up?"

He knows my brother. Holy hell, he knows my brother!"

"Hey, Steve, didn't know you worked here. This is my sister, Jen."

"Nice to meet you," he says, extending his hand.

I take it in mine, hoping I'm not sweating. His grip is firm and his smile is bright and how badly I want to kiss him scares me. I let go and they stat talking. I just listen, laugh every once in awhile, all the while growing quickly fond of him. I'm in trouble.

So Steve is a Papa Roach fan and my brother told him we have tickets for the show next week. And. He's. Going. To. Come. With. Us. Which means, I get to spend the whole evening with him and get to know him better. Coby Dick and Steve? Could the night possibly get better than that?

There's no way that night could have been better. We had so much fun. Although, hanging out with three teenage boys can be kind of brutal, especially when they check out every girl they see. Good news is, my brother told me he caught Steve checking me out, so I guess it's not so bad. I got to know him pretty quickly and so far I really like him. Not that it's hard for me to crush on someone, but he seems like a good guy and my mind is totally off of Kyle now. The show was incredible and Steve ended up buying me a poster which I ended up getting signed. He paid a lot of attention to me and I felt, well, beautiful. It was a perfect night and I'm glad I got to spend it with my brother and my new crush.

So we got invited to Steve's party next week. Saying I'm excited is a bit of an understatement.

Invisible.

Okay, there are, like, way too many cute boys in this high school. I don't even know where to start. Walking down the halls, I press my books to my chest as my eyes roam the "sights". High school is a whole new story, a whole new chance to be the person I want to be. There were no real love stories in middle school, but high school is going to be different.

I adjust my glasses, wishing this year could have started differently. If I got contacts, I'd have a better shot having a guy actually notice me. I make my way to English class, my heart beating a little faster than usual. It pounds against my ribcage as I step over the threshold and see him sitting at his desk. There are a lot of cute boys, but he's my favourite. Ted smiles at me and I return it. We've known each other since grade school but he was never in the same class as me. It's a safety net, him here, and it comforts me. But I know it's nothing but a friendly reminder. I try to remind myself of that. I slid into my chair by him just as the teacher walks in. Mr. Bennett is my favourite teacher. It may be that he teaches my favourite subject, but either way he's cool.

We're reading Romeo & Juliet. It's the first Shakespeare I've ever read, they start you off in Grade 9 and then go from there I guess, and so far I love it. Juliet is a heartbreaking character and she reminds me of myself. She falls head first into love and gives all her heart. Romeo will do anything to be with her even though he knows he can't. She can't get him out of her mind. Their love will be the death of them but all that matters is that they loved, that they had a chance to be together. We take turns reading characters and I've only read the Nurse so far. I want to read Juliet. I want people to see me, to notice me. I want Ted to notice me. Mr. Bennett looks up and starts telling everyone who they'll be reading. His eyes land on me.

"Jen, do you want to read Juliet?"

My head screams but I release a small "Yes."

My pulse is racing and I can feel it vibrating through my entire body. Yes, I want to read Juliet, but I'm so shy and so scared that I'll mess up. I look at the scene we're doing and I have a long soliloquy. A lot of reading. A lot of attention. I'm kind of used to being invisible. I'm always quiet and the only time I really feel like myself is when I'm with my friends. But I can do this. The room disappears around me and I know someone is reading something. I wait for my turn. By the time it comes, my palms are sweaty and my legs are shaking. But I read. I read for so long that I become Juliet. Mr. Bennett leaves at one point, but I keep going. I know no one is listening, but I hope, just hope, that someone is paying attention to me. That I am making an impact in someone's life. But I'm just the girl with the nerdy glasses who is actually speaking for once.

I finish my monologue and times continues like nothing happened. The bell rings and I stand to go, thinking that maybe Ted will stop and talk to me, say something about my reading. But when I look up he's already out the door. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and edge into the hallway, getting lost in the crowd of students. But my heart picks up its pace as I move closer to my next class. Oh ya, PB & J is in my next class. Maybe I'll actually talk to him today.

Tied Together With A Smile.

I adjust the white satin top I'm wearing, my palms sweaty as I try to stay calm. Two years at this school and now it's coming to an end. The gym is stuffy and bodies are everywhere. My fingers twist knots in my pink skirt and I try to remember that I look decent. I maybe, sort of look pretty. I focus on that as I make my way across the dance floor. A '90s hit is pounding through the speakers but I can barely hear it my heart is pumping so loud. I spot him on the sidelines, laughing with his friends. I've liked him all year and it actually seems like it could be something. Not like with Eric, where I watched him from afar and hoped he'd talk to me. No, Tyler actually does talk to me on a regular basis. We are friends, real friends, and I want more. I've wanted more since he first talked to me. Now I'm going to get more.

He smiles as soon as he sees me and my heart squeals.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey. I was, um, wondering, if you wanted to dance?" I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart.

The three second gap between words kills me.

"Well, I promised someone else first, but I'll find you after, cool?" he replies, calmly, like I didn't just risk my life speaking my question out loud.

"Sure, ya."

I try a smile and walk away, my palms a mess and my legs wobbling as I walk. But he said yes. Yes. One of my dreams may actually come true tonight.

I find my friends and spend a minute being giddy over the conversation I just had. A slow song comes on and I turn to see Tyler dancing with the other girl. I can't watch it. I go to the bathroom and fix my hair, pretending everything is okay. It's not like we're dating. It's not like he can't dance with anyone else. He's going to dance with me, I keep reminding myself, this will all work out.

When the song ends, I merge back into the crowd and get lost in the music. My friends and I laugh as we dance, not caring what anyone else thinks. The music fills me up and holds me there. It captures me and I decide I never want it to let me go. When the song ends, another slow one comes on and I'm jolted back to reality. It's time.

I search the gym for Tyler, waiting to see his face in the crowd as he walks toward me. That's how it would happen in the movies, right? I can't find him. I walk around the gym three times as the song continues to play. It'll be over before I find him. No, I have to dance with him. I feel the tears press against my skull, threatening to release. I'll find him soon, I know I will. Maybe he's just in the bathroom and he'll come out and find me and everything will be okay. We'll dance this last dance before we part ways and go to high school. It will mean something to both of us and things will change.

The first verse is over and I know it's too late. I need to find someone else to dance with. I'm not going to let this last song of middle school go to watse. I track down another guy that I've sort of had my eye on and ask him to dance before I can scare myself into not. He says yes and we walk out to the dance floor together. He puts his hands around my waste awkwardly since we don't know each other very well. I lean my head on his shoulder and we start to move to the music.

"All My Life" by Boyz 2 Men - the first song I ever slow dance with a guy too. But it's not the guy I wanted. It's meaningless. I hold on tighter and he pulls me in. He probably thinks I really like him, that I asked him to dance because he's the one I picked. I don't tell him otherwise, I just dance. I squeeze my eyes shut so I won't cry and I feel my body shake from the thoughts. He holds on to me to keep me safe, pulls tighter to keep me from shaking. I want to thank him for it, for making me feel loved when all I feel is alone.

Tyler finds me after the dance and apologizes for not being there. Something came up. I know he just forgot. I know he said he'd dance with me but never really planned too. I shake it off and go home, hoping, praying, that high school will be better in the boy department.