Superstar.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

He was so good looking it hurt. His blond hair and perfect smile were the thing of dreams. He belonged in movies. The All American Dreamboat (All Canadian Dreamboat?) He took boy crazy to another level.

Eric Sanderson.

Too shy to talk to him, but too deep to leave him alone. I felt confident behind a computer, so I decided to contact him that way. cutie_luvs_eric@hotmail.com I thought it clever. He wouldn't know my name or who I was and he'd fall for me without knowing I was the geeky flat chested girl with glasses that sat behind him in class. I sent him messages every day. He'd respond and my heart would flutter out of my chest. I thought I'd be confident enough to approach him and tell him it was me in the emails. I thought my dreams would come true. He wasn't the only crush I had in middle school. I could never have just one crush. Kevin Hutchinson caught my attention too and so did Tyler Snow. I may have had a chance with these two, but I had a chance in hell with Eric. He was the most popular boy in Grade 8. But I was never one to play it safe.

The moment came when I finally found the courage to tell him who I was. I wrote it in the email, hoping this would be it. Hoping he'd sweep me off my feet and ride off with me into the sunset. The Backstreet Boys wrote songs about this. This was love. This was perfect. He told me he already knew it was me. On the email account, I had added my name so every time I sent him an email, he knew it was me. He had always known. It didn't matter. He told me he wasn't interested, that I was a nice girl but he wasn't attracted to be. I couldn't blame him. I was in the most awkward stage of life and I didn't think I'd ever get out of it.

Heartbroken, I deleted the email account and moved on. I went to school the next day as though nothing had happened. I still watched him, a stalker doesn't forget her first prey. But there would be other boys to focus my attention on. Besides, I already liked Kevin and Tyler too. I would just watch them instead, dream of them instead, hope they'd talk to me instead. Eric was unreachable. He was a rockstar. A celebrity. So I put him on the pedestal with the other rockstars and watched him from afar, no longer trying to make contact.

Innocent.

It starts with a wide eyed girl with a wild imagination. She's shy and polite, but makes friends easily. She treasures her friends to the end, hoping they'll be friends forever. At recess they play imaginary pets and Sailor Moon. She acts out plays with her Barbies, wanting more to life than what she knows.

Boys never had couties. She never ran in fear of them. Instead, she wanted them to live in her imaginary world with her. It starts with Justin, the boy who plays the superhero. She is his faithful sidekick, following him into battle, protecting his every move. Others may see it as more than a friendship, but Justin is her first male friend. She won't have many because she will make them something more, but Justin will forever just be her friend. This would make sense to her later when he comes out of the closet. While she plays with Justin at recess, she starts to notice the other boys. They are different from Justin. They don't talk to her as much, they just smile. And boy does she like the smiles.

Chris is out of her league, his time spent with the prettier girls in the sixth grade. Gavin is sweet, sending her smiles but nothing more. And Scott, Scott pays attention to her. He invites her to his birthday parties, talks to her at recess and makes her feel important. Something swirls inside of her. Her heart beats faster when she sees him. She doesn't understand the feeling yet, but she knows she likes it. It changes how she looks at life. She starts wanting to see Scott everyday, all the time. She wants to call him and hang out with him. She might even want him to kiss her but she's not sure what that means.

She leaves behind elementary school without that kiss. But she remembers him. She remembers how he made her feel. She decides she wants that feeling again, all the time. She can't wait for Grade 7 to start. Maybe she'll get her first kiss.