Speak Now.

My plan went a little something like this:

I'd strike up a conversation with Mike at least once a day, or whenever I saw him. That way he'd know I was alive. I mean, he knows I'm alive, but I want him to think of me as more than a friend. So I would talk to him every day and then, when the timing was right, ask him to the semi formal. It was worth a shot right?

In reality, it went a little something like this:

I'd get nervous every time I talked to him. He'd smile and I'd go weak at the knees. I've been crushing on him since January, added him to the list of boys I already liked, and decided he was my best shot at a date. The days went by and I'd miss chance after chance of asking him. I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I'd freeze up the minute I'd decide to ask. My dress was picked out, my tickets were bought, but I couldn't get a date. How long was I going to wait until I could finally make a move? But the day before the dance arrived and it was too late. I hadn't asked him. I'd be going alone. But it was okay, I had my friends and we were determined to have a great time. We were going to be part of the few Grade 10s showing up, so it would be interesting. Some guys were bound to show up without dates right? And I'm sure one would be willing to spare a dance with me...

Valentine's Day. The day where everyone who's in love shows it to the entire world. I wear my red shirt and hope for something to happen even though I know it won't. During class, Dave says that there shouldn't be a special day to show your love. If you love someone, there should be no stopping you from giving them something. It was sweet and made my brain go haywire with thoughts, but I knew he was just making conversation. Maybe he hates Valentine's Day just as much as I do.

Night falls and I strap myself into my killer heels. My pink dress floats above them and my hair is dead straight like I planned. I've always been the type to do the opposite of everyone else. I have curly hair every day, so on special occasions I'd straighten it. We arrive, everyone dressed to the nines. Boys in tuxes and girls in high heels and we're all ready to dance. My shoes come off quickly, but my dress is too long and I keep tripping over it as I dance. So I suck it up and put my shoes back on, knowing my feet will kill tomorrow. Alex and I dance up a storm. We even try to fast dance to a slow song. We laugh and dance, knowing we don't need guys to have a good time.

But when the last slow song of the night comes on, I know I want to dance with a guy. It's my goal at every dance to dance with a guy or at least one song. I somehow feel accomplished if I do this. Looking around, I notice that Mike isn't here but my secret crush is. I make my way over to him and ask him dance, any nerves I've had before gone.

"Sorry, Jen, I was just about to leave. Next time, okay?"

"Ya, it's fine," I reply, smiling.

It is fine. I'll find someone else to dance with. And that's when I spot him, sitting at his table looking lonely and sad, like he wants to dance too. I've always been too nervous to ask him before even though we were really good friends. But this time, I just bite the bullet and ask him.

"Hey, Terry, do you want to dance?"

"Ya, sure."

And just like that I'm dancing with the one guy who's broken my heart. It always works like that doesn't it? Once you've stopped liking someone, that's when you can ask them, but no, not when you're in love with the guy! We dance softly like we've done it before. He doesn't talk about the fact that we haven't talked since the summer, or why we suddenly stopped being friends, but it's okay. We turn in circles and pretend there's something between us. I curl my hands around his neck and breathe him in, enjoying the moment. When the song ends, we part like it's nothing and I go back to my table.

"I'm so proud of you!" my friend Mysha exclaims as I settle in, getting ready to leave.

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of myself too. Maybe I'll stop holding a grudge and say hi or smile when he does it to me next time.

We leave with our heads spinning and our laughter spilling out into the streets. I go to sleep giddy, ready for Monday so i can see Mike again, ready to talk to Dave again, and hoping to see Danny's boxers again. Maybe next year's semi will be even better.

Tied Together With A Smile.

I adjust the white satin top I'm wearing, my palms sweaty as I try to stay calm. Two years at this school and now it's coming to an end. The gym is stuffy and bodies are everywhere. My fingers twist knots in my pink skirt and I try to remember that I look decent. I maybe, sort of look pretty. I focus on that as I make my way across the dance floor. A '90s hit is pounding through the speakers but I can barely hear it my heart is pumping so loud. I spot him on the sidelines, laughing with his friends. I've liked him all year and it actually seems like it could be something. Not like with Eric, where I watched him from afar and hoped he'd talk to me. No, Tyler actually does talk to me on a regular basis. We are friends, real friends, and I want more. I've wanted more since he first talked to me. Now I'm going to get more.

He smiles as soon as he sees me and my heart squeals.

"Hey, Jen."

"Hey. I was, um, wondering, if you wanted to dance?" I can't hear anything over the pounding of my heart.

The three second gap between words kills me.

"Well, I promised someone else first, but I'll find you after, cool?" he replies, calmly, like I didn't just risk my life speaking my question out loud.

"Sure, ya."

I try a smile and walk away, my palms a mess and my legs wobbling as I walk. But he said yes. Yes. One of my dreams may actually come true tonight.

I find my friends and spend a minute being giddy over the conversation I just had. A slow song comes on and I turn to see Tyler dancing with the other girl. I can't watch it. I go to the bathroom and fix my hair, pretending everything is okay. It's not like we're dating. It's not like he can't dance with anyone else. He's going to dance with me, I keep reminding myself, this will all work out.

When the song ends, I merge back into the crowd and get lost in the music. My friends and I laugh as we dance, not caring what anyone else thinks. The music fills me up and holds me there. It captures me and I decide I never want it to let me go. When the song ends, another slow one comes on and I'm jolted back to reality. It's time.

I search the gym for Tyler, waiting to see his face in the crowd as he walks toward me. That's how it would happen in the movies, right? I can't find him. I walk around the gym three times as the song continues to play. It'll be over before I find him. No, I have to dance with him. I feel the tears press against my skull, threatening to release. I'll find him soon, I know I will. Maybe he's just in the bathroom and he'll come out and find me and everything will be okay. We'll dance this last dance before we part ways and go to high school. It will mean something to both of us and things will change.

The first verse is over and I know it's too late. I need to find someone else to dance with. I'm not going to let this last song of middle school go to watse. I track down another guy that I've sort of had my eye on and ask him to dance before I can scare myself into not. He says yes and we walk out to the dance floor together. He puts his hands around my waste awkwardly since we don't know each other very well. I lean my head on his shoulder and we start to move to the music.

"All My Life" by Boyz 2 Men - the first song I ever slow dance with a guy too. But it's not the guy I wanted. It's meaningless. I hold on tighter and he pulls me in. He probably thinks I really like him, that I asked him to dance because he's the one I picked. I don't tell him otherwise, I just dance. I squeeze my eyes shut so I won't cry and I feel my body shake from the thoughts. He holds on to me to keep me safe, pulls tighter to keep me from shaking. I want to thank him for it, for making me feel loved when all I feel is alone.

Tyler finds me after the dance and apologizes for not being there. Something came up. I know he just forgot. I know he said he'd dance with me but never really planned too. I shake it off and go home, hoping, praying, that high school will be better in the boy department.